We don’t mind them—it’s the flaming ones that bother us.
by Susan Bankston
The American Family Association isn’t American, nor does it have any Family values. But it is an Association, so I guess one out of three ain’t bad.
It is a political group that uses Sweet Jesus as their own personal weapon. So they were outraged—outraged, I tell you—that the proposed Employment Non-Discrimination Act might cause, in their opinion, “flaming homosexuals” to storm Christian bookstores and
Well, don’t that just beat all?
You mean Christian bookstores where they have signs that say “Love One Another”? Or maybe with this new law, they’re going to take those signs down. I wouldn’t know. They rarely consult me on these matters.
Brian Fischer, the leader of the American Family Association—henceforth known only as the Association—is having celestial visions. Bless his heart—Brian is so narrow-minded that you can etch glass with his head. So narrow-minded that his ears rub together. He can see through a keyhole with both eyes. Okay, you get the idea.
Brian Fischer says that if the law goes into effect, “the homosexual lobby will send a flaming homosexual into that Christian bookstore to apply for a job. They’ll send a guy in there wearing stilettos, a dress, and dangly earrings, and dare the owner of that Christian bookstore not to hire him.”
Y’all, that’s an exact quote. I do not want to know how much time or what thought process he used to come to that amazing yet insufficient scenario. Just reading that, you’d think Klinger had finally gotten out of his MASH unit.
Personally, I want to know more about the dress. I know for a fact that it’s real hard to be a-flame and keep a dress on without distracting singe and scorch marks ruining the whole thing. Plus, no self-respecting homosexual would wear just “a dress.” It would be an outfit. An ensemble, if you will. And it would have accessories better than oh-dear-God dangly earrings.
It’s not in the story, but I’m betting you that Brian got himself so enthralled with the prospect of RuPaul working behind his counter that he had to excuse himself for a minute to go take a cold shower and fan himself. Or whatever he does when he’s enthralled, which most likely doesn’t take a full minute.
Bless his heart—not knowing the difference between being a transvestite and a homosexual means that Brian probably already has homosexuals working behind his counter at Bed, Bath & Bibles. I take comfort in knowing that. Okay, let me clarify—not so much comfort as a wild case of the giggles.
Without this legislation, people will be discriminated against for their color, age, national origin, handicap, or gender—but it’s worth the sacrifice to keep those damned dangly earrings out of Christian bookstores. Honey, Brian would rather go skinny-dipping with snappin’ turtles—or at least send you to do it—than risk that.
The way I see it, Brian Fischer and his Association have issued a challenge with this “flaming homosexual” stuff.
So, if the “homosexual lobby” (which, best I know, is that room outside of most any Broadway musical) doesn’t do this, I will. But first, does anybody have some dangly earrings I can borrow?
And Brian Fischer did not even consider another result of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act—he could demand to be hired at an adult bookstore. You know, while wearing that real Super-Deluxe Brand Christian Smug Look instead of far more respectable dangling earrings.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.