Five More Fails for 2023

Hot predictions to keep us on our toes.

It’s been a real un-fun couple of months, what with the mass shooting in Allen, Texas, followed by another one in Cleveland, Texas. Or the first-ever indictment of a former president, followed by a first-ever conviction for sexual abuse and defamation. Then we had the indictment of a current member of Congress for his hanky-panky problem. Air Force fighter jets shot down multiple UFOs over North America, and they won’t tell us what they are. The war in Ukraine, and threats of war in Asia. Floods in California, and floods of desperate migrants coming across the southern border.

For those of you hoping for some fresh bad news to kick off your summer, I give you here my five best predictions. It’s gonna be a helluva summer, y’all.

1. Rick Perry Runs

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry is seriously considering running once again for President of the United Damn States of America. This is the man who, in a presidential debate, could not remember all three of the federal departments he wanted to abolish, and ended up just saying “Oops” to a stunned audience of voters who were in search of a candidate who could remember three things at once. Perry now believes that the ability to remember things is actually not a quality America needs in a president. 

I’ve determined that he has three reasons for this newfound belief, but I can only give you two of them because I forgot the third one: (1) Being forgetful is actually a plus these days, because it makes testifying under oath so much easier, and (2) He ain’t got nothin’ else to do, Sue. Bless his heart, he couldn’t organize a pissing contest in a beer brewery.

2. Witnesses Revealed

Republicans in Congress announced they had a slam-dunk corruption case against Joe Biden and his family, with a certified whistleblower and nine others willing to testify under oath.

But then the headlines stopped dead. Congressvarmint James Comer, who appears to be leading this circus, revealed that they had lost their witnesses. Yeah, they “lost” them.

Shocking. (Translation: Not one damn bit shocking.)

Comer said of the missing witnesses, “Nine of the ten people that we’ve identified have very good knowledge with respect to the Bidens, [but] they’re either currently in court, they’re currently in jail, or they’re currently missing.”

Honey, if they were from Texas, they could be all three things at once.

Three of the witnesses gave their names as Mike Rotch, Dixie Normous, and Haywood Jablowmee, and all three used James Comer’s home address as their residence. 

Personally, I think the missing witnesses were in one of those UFOs that the Air Force shot down.

3. Donald Trump Disappoints

CNN can kiss my big blue butt. Giving Trump free airtime on the teevee is not news, commentary, biographical background, or healthy for children. It is rot. It is lower than a snake’s belly in a wheel rut. It is pornography with bad lighting. It is a boring plot line delivered with boring elevator music in the background. 

4. Spy Scandals Exposed

So everybody is all upset that the Chinese are spying on us. All of that outrage is kind of like leading the charge into hell with a bucket of ice cubes while screaming about weather balloons.

Do you want to stop people from spying on you?  Turn off that damn Alexa.

Good Lord, Honey, everybody on my street has a Ring doorbell so they can spy on package thieves at their front door—and at the house across the street and two houses on either side of that one. I’ve got one of those thief-cams, and I’m not even Chinese.

5. Legislators Won’t Legislate

This year’s 88th Texas Legislative Session has me rolling my eyes so far back that I’m checking out my own butt. While Republicans were hollering about pedophiles grooming children, a Texas legislator got caught molesting young women working at the Capitol. A Republican legislator, of damn course.

In June of 2003, the Supreme Court ruled that every single state law banning sodomy was unconstitutional. But of course, Republicans in the Texas Legislature still refuse to take the unenforceable Texas sodomy law off the books. They do it for one reason, and one reason only: to be mean. That’s it.

Until next month, if you can’t get out and shake it, do like I do and just rattle a little. Happy Pride!


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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