Last month, Donald Trump woke up and found himself having lunch at Mar-a-Lago with Ye (aka Kanye) West and his pal Nick Fuentes, the white-nationalist Oath Keeper guy.
Trump claimed he had only invited Ye to lunch, and that he had no idea who Fuentes was. And also that he’d met Ivanna Trump a time or two, but they weren’t all that close. (Okay, so I made up that last part, but by gawd, it’s about as credible as his Fuentes story.)
So this brings up a larger conundrum: why didn’t a single one of Trump’s fawning enablers warn him that he was about to be seen with a rabid white-nationalist Nazi sympathizer? Perhaps his clueless staff could use my handy checklist for their next dinner party:
How to Know You’re Dining with a Nazi
- They tell you their AR-15 is more than just a fashion accessory.
- They insist on DNA testing for all cooks and servers.
- They ask for a tour of your underground bunker.
- They shoot so many secret hand signals that other people assume they’re deaf.
- They have 12 shirts in their closet, and 11 of them are brown.
- They are trying to grow a goofy little mustache.
- They have a tattoo that says Trump Chump.
In other news, it was revealed that Supreme Court Justice Brett “I Like Beer” Kavanaugh attended a party with House Congressvarmint Matt Gaetz, Trump’s former White House deputy assistant Sebastian Gorka, and Trump flying monkey Stephen Miller—the man who helped write Trump’s January 6 speech and is the likely source for every bonkers idea Trump has ever had.
That revealing guest list was seen by most lawyers as one of those Holy-crap-what’s-he-thinking moments. One newspaper headline actually read “Brett Kavanaugh Partying with Matt Gaetz Raises Questions.” In my mind, it doesn’t raise questions. It answers questions. Questions like: Is the Supreme Court totally corrupt? Yes.
I had a great Christmas, and I hope you did, too. My daughter-in-law gave me an Apple Watch that is so Dick Tracy. Back in the ’60s, they promised me flying cars and didn’t deliver, but having Tracy’s magic watch is almost as cool. Just by glancing down at it, I know today’s date, the day of the week, and if I have any appointments today. It also tells what my pulse is, if I have recently fallen down and can’t get up (or maybe if I’m just drunk), the temperature outside, the weather forecast, my phone messages, and (as an added little detail) the time. And that’s all without even opening an app.
Honey, if you know any old stoners like me who need all the help they can get, this is the perfect gift. Hell, if the AARP was worth a damn, they’d send one of these gadgets as 65th-birthday gifts. And for those of you who worry that Elon Musk and Rudy Giuliani might be listening to us through our magic watches, just take a cue from me and realize that the world would be a better place if somebody would listen to us, dammit.
Finally, as you kick off this politically questionable New Year, keep in mind that QAnon is just Scientology for hillbillies.
This article appears in the January 2023 edition of OutSmart magazine.