Little Green Men

The space aliens headed for Texas should think twice.

I gotta say, the best part of that beautiful, perfect Trump indictment handed down in Georgia last month was seeing all the photos of Trump’s hapless co-conspirators facing prison time if they are convicted.   

I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, like eating tamales anywhere north of Dallas, signing a contract under the warm glow of neon light, or sharing my deepest secrets with a Nigerian prince who emailed me to say he was going to die next week and leave me his fortune. But even I know that when you’re an elections official in Georgia, you shouldn’t send a damn written invitation to Trump’s attorneys to come on down and ransack the voting machines.

I would say “How dumb can you be?” but those conspiracy nuts would see that as a challenge. 

However, what I’ve really been fretting over is something that everybody else is overlooking: those space aliens are just begging Governor Abbott to do something damn awful.

If you do your own research (like all the good MAGA Republicans do), you’ll discover that the United States government now refers to a UFO as an “Unidentified Aerial Phenomena.” Yep, now we have “UAP” sightings. Our top officials know that changing the name of something is a real effective strategy when you don’t know what the hell else to do. They picked “UAP” (which nobody can remember) to throw off reporters trying to snoop around for the UFOs. The government should just take a hint from the hurricane people and pick friendly names for each UFO—like Hazel, or Polly Sue. That would make their sighting announcements more memorable.

Anyway, let me tell you that I am certainly not afraid of UFOs. They’ve been around since before I was born, and they haven’t shot up any elementary schools, told lies to get us into a war in Iraq, tried to steal an election (or even my-my-my-my-my boogie shoes), perpetuated the patriarchy, or canceled Nickel Beer Night
at the ball games.

But while I have no fear of UFOs, I am terrified of how Governor Greg Abbott will react to UFOs and the aliens that are probably onboard. Governor Abbott doesn’t think highly of aliens, as he has demonstrated at the Mexican border. If he believes he’s doing the Lord’s work by pushing tiny children back into the waters of the Rio Grande if they make it across (or stringing up razor wire that has trapped both children and pregnant women in the water), can you imagine his plans for those space aliens? 

The Governor is very fond of billboards, so I imagine he’ll use taxpayer dollars for billboard messages like “Space Aliens: Too Green for Seguin!” or maybe “Space Aliens: Peeing in Your Swimming Pool from the Sky!”

After the billboard campaign, Abbott will want to build on his success (!) at finishing Trump’s border wall by announcing plans for adding a ceiling across Texas to keep out the UFOs. 

And third, since it’s obvious the feds care even less about space aliens than the ones at the border, it’ll be up to the State of Texas to again pick up the slack. NORAD will be replaced by NIMRAD—the Not In My Republic Air Defense system. Recruiting volunteer sharp-shooters to bring down the UFOs over Texas will be a breeze once NIMRAD starts giving out free gun scopes and baseball caps. I just hope the volunteers don’t shoot down some poor Jet Blue plane and tell us they were trying to take out the “woke” Air Force’s fighter jets.

And that’s where we are.

Until next month, I know there are people about my age who are mountain climbing, but I get my thrills just getting one leg at a time through my underwear without losing my balance.


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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