30th Birthday Blowout
The celebrations are serious in Fayette County, Texas.
If you’ve been around these parts for a while, you know about Fayette County, Texas. Fayette County is just east of Austin and was home to the original Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, known locally as The Chicken Ranch. They have all the best news in Fayette County because they seem to attract the most fun-loving people on the planet.
This story comes from their newspaper’s front page. On August 25, a woman named Julie May Mack was found sitting in a stranger’s hot tub.
Okay, so first of all, your name is Julie May Mack, which is the best name ever. I mean, you could be voted Watermelon Queen at the county fair on that name alone. You wanna be the district clerk? Honey, nobody could vote against that name on a ballot. Or how about Texas Senator Julie May Mack? Damn.
I looked it up, and the official temperature for Fayette County on August 25 was 104 degrees with a heat index of 471. And that’s not a typo, mind you. Also, all of southeast Texas was in a serious drought. I feel sure that Ms. Mack was hunting for a stock tank to dive into, and a hot tub was as close as she could come. (Remind me to tell you about the time my cousin Dirt Janochek got drunk and turned his stock tank into a jacuzzi with some Gorilla Glue and his Evinrude outboard motor.)
The police report says that Ms. Mack got out of the hot tub and went and hid in a car in the neighborhood. I’m gonna guess it wasn’t her car, because she didn’t try to drive it away. Or she might have left her purse back at the hot tub, so she didn’t have her car keys. The police ordered her out of the car and she complied, but then ran away.
Okay, stop right here and see if this doesn’t sound fishy to you. She outran two police officers while she was wearing wet clothes. Wet clothes are heavy. It’s unlikely she was wearing shoes, because you can’t run at all in wet shoes. But (and please stay with me here) the cars would be parked on cement or tar, either of which would cause severe burns on bare feet in August in Texas.
Then she found a recreational vehicle with the door open and ran in there. They found her, but she still outran them. Okay, I’m gonna ask it right here: Are these guys on crutches? I know she was wearing clothes because if she wasn’t, there would have been a parade of tractors following her around, and lively shouts of “Buster, come look! She’s nekkid!”
So, through the miracle of modern journalism, we discover she ran into a house and resisted arrest. No shoot, Sherlock! A slow-poke deputy had to wrestle her to the ground.
Sadly, this story—long and colorful as it is—does not end well. It isn’t until we get to the breathless end that we discover all of this mayhem happened on the day before Ms. Mack’s 30th birthday.
What the hell kind of world do we live in where a woman cannot borrow a handy hot tub on the day before a decade-shifting birthday?
Sometimes, baby, you just gotta get that foolishness from your 20s out of your system before you face real life in your 30s.
In the end, Ms. Mack was charged with burglary and resisting arrest. Bad cop, no donuts for you!
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.