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Why did the Democrats get walloped?
by Susan Bankston
I have to admit something—the Democrats didn’t just get beat in November, they got walloped. Truthfully, we got beat over the head so badly that we’re going to have to unzip our pants to see out for the next two years.
I’ve seen tomcats eaten by a billy goat and puked over a cliff who looked better than we did.
So, the first thing we Democrats did the day after the election was form a circular firing squad and try to blame each other. Which helps exactly none at all.
I think we lost for two reasons. Reason Numero Uno: we got fewer votes than they did. And Reason Numero Two-o: we apologized for being Democrats. Both of those things will knock you cold enough to skate on.
I will freely admit the possibility that there are other reasons we lost.
Through the miracle of modern big-time journalism, I am able to bring you the Top Ten Reasons that Democrats Lost, as curated by The London School of Economics, Galena Park campus.
Top Ten Reasons Democrats Lost
10. Wanted to save on victory-party booze and crêpe paper.
9. Hippie Democrats, in search for their authentic selves, didn’t understand that voter ID did not require total self-actualization and that a driver’s license would do.
8. Despite advertising as such, it turns out that Battleground Texas had no field artillery or ammo.
7. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll were not on the ballot. Again. Dammit.
6. Could not decide whether to vote for Cheech or Chong, so just stayed at home.
5. Hard to fit “Okay, So Maybe We’re Not Great, But the Other Guys Suck” on a bumper sticker.
4. No pencil.
3. Nagging fear that voting was how you got on all of those fundraising e-mail lists.
2. Kim Kardashian’s butt. (Probably not a reason that Democrats lost, but certainly worth mentioning.)
1. Two words: ballot rash.
Well, put me on top of a Christmas tree and call me an angel, because I do have some holiday wishes for you.
• I hope you find the peace that passes all understanding.
• I hope you find one friend who loves you exactly the way you are, even if you’re a jerk.
• I hope you find the recognition that sometimes we are not born into our own families and we have to go build the families we want.
• I hope you find the reason to look into the mirror and say, “Damn. I’m fabulous.”
• I hope you find laughter, bells, and chocolate-chip cookies.
• I hope you find stardust on your pillow every morning and golden dreams every night.
• I hope you find more mistletoe and less hassle.
• I hope you find joy. Pure, unadulterated, amazing joy that makes your toes tingle and your ears wiggle.
Peace, my friends.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.