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Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

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How does Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin’s state grow? Apparently, with an Oilfield Prayer Day.
By Susan Bankston

The downside to writing a monthly column for a big-time journalism outfit is that my deadline is a few weeks before OutSmart comes out each month, and likely a full month before you get around to reading it. That means it’s possible that Donald Trump will have done something else so stoopid that it defies seven laws of physics, the canons of four major religions, a couple of base tenets of good etiquette, and the fishing laws in several states.

It also means that we finally have a new president. (Too bad we can’t just keep the old one, which would be dandy by me.)

Honey, if Donald Trump won, don’t tell me. I’d rather play poker blindfolded than think about him being president.

But my Schaden is gonna have a heap of Freude if Donald Trump gets beat by a girl. I hope she beats him so hard that he has to unzip his pants to see out. And that his zipper rusted with the tears of humiliation.

So, to entertain you for now, I have an absolutely guaranteed-certain-true-fact story to tell you while you’re contemplating how presidential politics got so tied up with pussy.

I know this story I’m fixing to tell you sounds like it came from one of those satire websites, but it didn’t. I checked it out every which way, and I have come to discover that it’s dead-solid-perfect true.

Remember when Texas ex-governor Rick Perry held a giant ol’ 10-buggy prayer meeting in Houston’s football stadium to pray for rain? Well, as rain is apt to do, it did indeed rain—about four months later—and he took a bow and claimed his prayer was answered.

Meanwhile, Rick Perry got to pray in front of about 10,000 people, which tilted the ex-governor sanity scale toward the “One Goofy Sumbitch” side.

I also wanted to tell you that Rick Perry was featured on Dancing with the Stars, but that wasn’t dancing. I’ve seen dancing. Rick Perry was not dancing. Hell, that was hardly even walking.

Anyway, I’m trying to get to my story.

There’s an old saying around here that goes, “The only thing that keeps Texas from falling into the Gulf of Mexico is that Oklahoma sucks.”

It’s true. I have proof.

Oklahoma governor Mary Fallin, a Super Deluxe Brand Rabidly Antigay Christian who does her exercise by toting around a ton of damn sanctimony, has decided that Jesus gave us gas. Well actually oil, but it’s the same thing.

Mary and her friends in the Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club understand that without oil, Oklahoma just might as well be Mississippi. People in Oklahoma look down on people in Mississippi because of . . . well, oil.

It seems that the oil industry isn’t doing too well in Oklahoma because oil doesn’t grow on trees, and since Republicans can’t possibly raise taxes on oil gazillionaires to make them pay their fair share, the governor decided to issue a proclamation in Jesus’ name.

Honey, the bleach in Governor Fallin’s “blonde” hair has gone way too deep. Not to mention that her perfume has been marketed under the name of Eau de WhatTheHell.

Hold on. I’m gonna let you read most of her proclamation, because I believe—yes, I believe—in the power of crazy on a platter.

Whereas, Oklahoma is blessed with an abundance of oil and natural gas, allowing the state to be a prosperous producer of these valuable resources; and

Whereas Christians acknowledge such natural resources are created by God; and

Whereas Oklahoma recognizes the incredible economic, community and faith-based impacts demonstrated across the state by oil and natural gas companies; and

Now, therefore, I, Mary Fallin, Governor, do hereby proclaim October 13, 2016, as “Oilfield Prayer Day” in the state of Oklahoma.

Oilfield Prayer Day. Honey, I have no idea why it wasn’t called “Jesus, Send Us Some Magic Money Day.” Or even “Jesus, Give Us Gas Day.”

Holy fried okra, y’all. I guess Oklahomans weren’t impressed by that water-into-wine or raising-the-dead stuff in the Bible. After all, that crap doesn’t pay worth a flip or start the air conditioning unit. No, Jesus needs to be doing something useful.

I don’t know if the governor is aware of this, but Oklahoma has become earthquake central due to all of the fracking in that state. On the upside, I guess when the earthquakes bring everyone to their knees, the governor can swear they’re praying.

Hope your Thanksgiving is blessedly thankful!

See a special election column by Susan Bankston on November 9 at OutSmartMagazine.com.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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