We are gonna level this playing field, by gawd
by Susan Bankston
Okay, so I’m not the super-rich David and Charles Koch brothers who give money to every right-wing radical Republican cause. Obviously, I guess. I mean, I’m not even a brother, much less a rich, evil brother. Okay, so maybe evil. I am kinda evil. Oh heck, what I’m trying to say is that I am not a major big giant donor to political causes.
However, you and me and that guy over there and those folks up in the balcony and the woman in the back with the Carmen Miranda hat on and the guy with a nose ring attached to a chain that goes to his…holy crap, that guy needs to sit down…all of us together can be brothers. We can act together to counter the Koch brothers and the other rich corporate meanies who ain’t gonna be happy until all the rest of us are squatting on the other side of the moat and dragging tail to the unemployment line.
Recently, the Federal Election Commission unanimously voted to allow Americans to make political donations via text messaging—making Androids, iPhones, and BlackBerrys the newest weapon in the battle to equalize the power of money. You can donate up to $50 to a candidate or cause per reporting cycle.
Darlin’, everybody needs to budget $25 a month between now and the election to support a candidate or cause by using their phones. You can spread your $25 among five candidates or blow your whole budget on one.
Unless I get fired here at OutSmart—which will not happen, mainly because I’m serious about that evil thing—I will make a suggestion about a great candidate or two every month. You can e-mail me to make a plea for your candidate or cause. Together, we can counter the Koch Brothers.
We’re calling it the Diet Koch Revenge.
The Texas Democratic Party met in Houston early this month and passed the most progressive platform we’ve had in my lifetime—and Honey, they have to carbon-date me every year to figure out how many candles to put on my birthday cake, so that’s a loooong time.
Democrats want to abolish the death penalty because we reckon that Texas has killed enough innocent people to ensure Rick Perry’s special place in hell that I have reserved for him. Seriously, I had his name put on the door. He’s got to look up to see the bottom of hell.
We passed decriminalization of marijuana. Hey, hey you—look over here. Focus, Babe. We passed it so that if we elect Democrats you can go back to attempting to eat every Dorito on the planet without hiding them on your top closet shelf behind your family vacation pictures. Yes, I know where you hide stuff. That’s where everybody hides their…uh, Doritos.
We passed a platform that includes the right of women to own their bodies. Elect Democrats and being a hooter-toter is no longer a shame-based gender selection. Remember when Mitt Romney’s spokesman said that women’s rights were just “shiny objects” used to distract voters from “real issues”? Honey, shiny is my favorite color, and Lord knows the gals can shine you one upside the head if that kind of talk continues.
And here’s the one that will make you grin: “Texas Democrats support the full inclusion of all families in the life of our state, with equal respect, responsibility, and protection under the law, including the freedom to marry.”
In 2006, an openly gay man I love bunches ran for Democratic State Party chairman, and although he was clearly the most qualified candidate, he lost because some Democrats were afraid of the backlash of having an openly gay chairman. You know, like maybe one day he’d wake up and want to do everybody’s hair.
Six years later, we put marriage equality in our platform and elected that same man to the Democratic National Committee. You could not have gotten the grin off my face with a stick of dynamite.
A record number of LGBT persons from Texas were elected delegates to the Democratic National Convention that will take place in Charlotte, North Carolina, September 4–6. A total of 33 LGBT Texans—26 delegates, two alternates, and five members of national convention committees—will make up the Texas LGBT delegation.
Plus—better yet!—I’m going. I’ll be the one wearing shiny.
I know many of you worked hard to make that happen. You did gooder than good.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.