Welcome to Texas

Everything is bigger in the Lone Star State—especially our problems.

Welcome to Texas, where we lie about everything except barbeque.

Where you can’t tell a good guy with a gun from a bad guy with a gun until the bodies are hauled away.

Where everything is bigger, except human rights. 

Where we blame the border for any and all of the horrifically bad decisions our governor makes.

Where Ted Cruz says the Supreme Court was wrong to legalize same-sex marriage. (Ted’s Republican cohorts, on the other hand, want to legalize intercourse with 13-year-old girls. Instead of same sex, shouldn’t Ted be more concerned with sane sex?)

Where men are men, and goats are nervous.

Where it ain’t been quite the same since Rush Limbaugh turned out to be a mere mortal.

Where we have 1,827 more football stadiums than we actually need.

Where women’s rights and the Easter Bunny are the same thing.

Where rapists get to select the mother who must bear their children.

Where power-grid jokes can be redeemed for a free trip to Cancún.

Where Mexican restaurants have two types of salsa: the one that burns holes in the top of your mouth, and the other one.

Where people who are opposed to Critical Race Theory don’t even know what that means. They’re afraid it’s a theory that’s critical of racists.

Where the border wall is actually meant to keep us in when our power grid fails and Mexico still has electricity.

Where visitors can enjoy time-traveling back to the 1950s during their stay.

On July 13, the Active Shooter Alert Act was passed by the House and sent over to the Senate. That’s a bill that would require an “Amber Alert” warning to go out when there is an active shooter in the vicinity so we can avoid getting in the line of fire.

Conservatives have become so Second Amendment-crazy that 168 House Republicans voted against the bill. Maybe they think it’s an infringement on a psychopath’s constitutional right to privacy while he shoots up your neighborhood elementary school.

All of which makes me think about where this country is headed—and why we’re all crowded into this funny handbasket.

And for August’s final musing from The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., let me point out that when Trump crony Steven K. Bannon agreed to testify before the January 6 committee, he promised to “go medieval” on his political “enemies” during his appearance. That’s hardly surprising, considering that going medieval ain’t much of a leap for him. Honey, if he leans back in his La-Z-Boy, an alligator-filled moat springs up around his house.

Bannon wants his testimony to be broadcast live on prime-time teevee. But so does Pauly Shore, and that ain’t happ’nin either. 

Bannon also said he would show up to testify if they gave him “a date, a time, a microphone, and a Holy Bible.” Then he added, “We’re killing the Biden administration in the crib, and we’re proud.” 

Well, I think getting sworn in on a Bible assumes you agree with at least some of what’s in it.

Have a great August, and when the heat becomes unbearable just remember how it felt when Abbott’s cronies made us freeze in the dark last year. 

This article appears in the August 2022 edition of OutSmart magazine.


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at
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