I need to start out in January by saying this: the main reason I live in Houston is winter. We don’t have one. Okay, that’s not exactly true. We did have winter last year. It was on a Thursday, as I recall.
Nobody likes cold weather…well, except for Truman, my dog. Truman really likes cold weather, but just between you and me, Truman ain’t all that smart. I suspect the same is true of anybody who likes cold weather.
Think about it—the only pictures you see of people in cold weather who look like they’re having fun are people gathered around a fire with a blanket and hot chocolate. They don’t like cold weather—they like fire. In my mind, anybody who lives north of San Antonio should be considered a potential arsonist.
So, if we have a cold day, think of me. I’ll be cussing a blue streak and mad enough to chew screws and spit rivets. Bring me fire and hot chocolate, preferably in the form of the sun and a Hershey bar specially melted on my dashboard. (Cooking tip: chocolate melted on your dashboard is the best kind!)
Now, on to Susan’s Political Advice for 2014: Five Guys to Keep Your Eye On.
1. George P. Bush, the sonofabush running for Land Commissioner. The only four words you really need: his name is Bush. Other helpful words: he wants to control your freakin’ land!
2. Steve Stockman, the Texas congressvarmint who talks like a scrabble game exploded inside his head, and not in the good way. This is the guy who decided that being called “the crazy congressman” wasn’t sufficient, so he now wants to be “the crazy senator.” You’d think Texas Senator Ted Cruz had already raised the bar on crazy senators so high that it was locked in. Apparently not.
Stockman is running in the Republican primary against current Texas Senator John Cornyn.
Stockman seriously wanted his campaign slogan to be, “If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.” Yeah, that’s probably true, but I wouldn’t count on their aim being dependably accurate. He voted against the Violence Against Women Act because it also protected transgender people. (You should feel free to beat the hell outta them.) He also believes that President Obama is secretly gay. Oh, in your wildest dreams!
3. The one Democrat to make this list is Kesha Rogers. You know those people you see around town with the Impeach Obama signs who have a drawing of the president with a Hitler mustache? She’s one of them. She’s running for the United States Senate as a Democrat on a platform to impeach Obama. That’s looney served up on a bun, honey.
She also believes that Queen Elizabeth controls the entire world through secret societies. Hell, Queen Elizabeth can’t even control her own family, much less assorted portions of New Jersey and Brazil.
4. East Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert. His latest rant is that God is going to stop protecting America because of Obamacare, so we should all move to Israel. I’m gonna bet that he didn’t know that Israel has single-payer socialized health care. I’m just gonna bet that. I have never lost money betting on something that Louie Gohmert didn’t know.
Gohmert has a weekly menu of social statements that would make a hornet look cuddly.
5. Texas Governor Rick Perry. He is going to run for president again, and, darlin’, he ain’t a lick smarter than he was the last time. He’s going to embarrass us so much—again!—that you’ll start telling your friends in foreign states that you’re in Texas just by geographic accident or that you illegally crossed the border from Mexico to have terror babies. That will be much more prestigious than, “I’m from Texas. Oh dear Lord, I am so sorry about Rick Perry. Please ignore him. We do.”
Texas politics is going to be fun this year, so you better tune up your giggle mechanism.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.