After revelations that the NSA, the CIA, the FBI, and a particularly militant branch of the PTA are all probably eavesdropping on Americans’ cell phones, e-mails, Facebook pages, web surfing, and text messages, I couldn’t help but notice that the Amish were walking around looking pretty damn smug.
I hope you’ve been a tad naughty, because if the government is storing this information, I certainly would not want archeologists a thousand years from now to discover that everybody’s life is as pathetic as mine. My life is so boring that it reads like the plot of an algebra book.
The way I see it, the upside to all this NSA stuff is that somewhere they’ve probably found all of your forgotten passwords. And “The Cloud”? We don’t need no stinkin’ Cloud. We have Agent 42 to keep all our stuff.
At no small expense, I have bribed a CIA agent for tips on how to determine if the NSA is interested in you. You can clip and save this handy guide for determining if they can hear you now.
12. The Secretary of State mentions your name on national TV—something about your “relations” with Sweaty Sam’s Thai Massage Parlor.
11. You get a call from the NSA to tell you that your guitar is out of tune.
10. Your TIVO is recording you.
9. During dinner at a nice restaurant, your potato distinctly says, “Speak up, please.”
8. You have more vans parked in front of your house than a 1960s Janis Joplin concert.
7. When the pest control guy comes to your house, he finds more than just the real bugs.
6. Your cat keeps pooping tiny microphones.
5. The OnStar lady asks you why you want to go to 764 Elm Street, who lives there, and when you plan on coming home.
4. The black car following you has the license plate IRS LUV.
3. [This joke deleted under authority of NSA Directive 06-42(g).]
2. President Obama mentions the toast you made at Bob’s wedding in the State of the Union address.
1. Your dropped cell-phone calls make an actual crashing sound.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.