You’re not reading this unless you’ve been outside to get your magazine at Barnaby’s or some other equally cool place. Or maybe you’re just spending way too much time on the Internet machine.
I hope you are well and don’t feel as though you’ve yee’d your last haw, because this will all be over one day. (After all, if Rudy Giuliani is still standing, you can too.)
I know it’s tough to be locked up in isolation when we’re stuck with a president who is meandering to a different drummer and is so wired that he can pick up AM radio signals through his makeup. He wants to steal an hour of your day by talking on the teevee in some damn language nobody understands. It sounds a little like English, but . . . no, not English. Definitely not English. It’s more like a hurricane blowing through a dictionary.
Then he decided to trademark the name “Cap’n Donald and the Treasury Raiders,” and the motto “Built on a lifetime supply of tainted corporate ethics.”
Now that we’ve discovered that Republican government is all lime and salt but no tequila, there’s nothing left to do but retreat to the solitude of our own homes as it slowly becomes obvious that blind-screaming hedonism has won out.
Things You Do Not Want to Know during a Coronavirus Lockdown
• Mike Pence is in charge. Of anything.
• Regrettably, it turns out that we can do better than we’d like to admit without toilet paper.
• Scientists discover that too much soap leads to impotence.
• Instead of a face mask, you accidentally ordered a Lone Ranger mask.
• You clearly hear a voice say, “I have decided on celibacy.” And you live alone.
• Some gun-toting redneck guy in Oklahoma with two husbands, a meth addiction, and 223 pet tigers is probably going to be the next superstar president.
• Cyndi Lauper was named Secretary of Agriculture, and you weren’t even surprised.
• All cruise ships are being rerouted to Buffalo Bayou for the duration.
• Charmin Ultra Soft replaces the dollar as the official U.S. currency.
• Not only is the Post Office requiring masks to stand in line, but they require you to still wear pants to step out and check your mailbox.
* * * * * *
Does Andrew Cuomo have a nipple ring? Huh? Whoa, wait, stop. What’s this about Andrew Cuomo and nipple rings?
Top Ten Things Andrew Cuomo Has under His Shirt That Are Definitely Not a Nipple Ring, Nope, Definitely Not, No Nipple Ring
10. Don’t worry, that’s just the top of his corset—he’ll be performing Lucky Cheng’s Drag Show at 11 p.m.
9. He and Chris Cuomo have tiny transmitters taped to their chests. (Yes, you and your brother will never be that close.)
8. His 5G tumor.
7. The flash drive with Jared’s spunky personality stored on it.
6. Pandemic Sweat Balls.
5. If ya wanna see it in the White House, you should’ve put a ring on it.
4. Allowable quarantine weight gain.
3. His other 5G tumor.
2. Two words: California Exotics.
1. He ain’t foolin’ nobody—that’s a damn nipple ring!
Until next month, when I hope we all can “come out” for Pride month, stay strong, stay safe, stay semi-sober. I’ve started working on my Pride outfit. Bless Michael’s for their curbside pickup, because, Honey, the things I can do with feathers, sequins, rhinestones, a glue gun, and a little sassy leather would tease your granny’s bitties.
This article appears in the May 2020 edition of OutSmart magazine.