We are entering the holiday season with enough presidential nonsense on the teevee to turn our family dinner gatherings into a food fight with all the trimmings. My Thanksgiving dinner could actually be more stressful than the time Cousin Melba Lynn showed up with her triplets, fed them enough sweet potato pie to launch a nuclear missile, and then left them behind so she could bike-ride nekkid through the neighborhood with the Hell’s Angels. (In a side note, Grandma called the neighbors to tell them that Melba Lynn had been kidnapped this time. Someone then called the police, obviously unaware of Melba Lynn’s Lifetime Achievement Award in the Hell’s Angels Attracting Attention division. The police promptly showed up to watch.)
This year, to enhance the quality of our family arguments, we can add in the prospect of televised impeachment hearings for a president who divides people better than a guillotine and blows words around like he was a hurricane with a dictionary. Being as how his belt doesn’t go through all the loops, your family can spend their Thanksgiving arguing about what constitutes rational thought, and how the hell did we end up with a president that you couldn’t clean up with a damn Brillo Pad.
Here are my predictions on the major plot twists that will be revealed during the impeachment hearings. I’m sharing them with you so you can be prepared to duck at the Thanksgiving dinner table if any of these topics come up:
• Trump also extorted East Bandor for dirt on Andrew Yang. Then we learn that there is no East Bandor but, not unexpectedly, it shares a P.O. Box address with Rudy Giuliani.
• Mike Pence’s’ wife, whom he calls Mother, is actually his cousin. (Had you fooled, didn’t he?)
• Attorney General Bob Barr’s law license is printed in white ink on white paper, because you can never be too white.
• The Rev. Robert Jeffress, of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, testifies that the real Constitution (the one we had before the Deep State changed it) includes Trump’s signature as a Founding Father.
• Rick Perry yee’d his last haw immediately following his testimony as the Dumb-O-Meter was spinning so fast it downshifted and blew a gasket. In an amusing twist, it also blew the Texas Secretary of State.
• Trump’s entire Cabinet is in the witness protection program.
• OutSmart publisher Greg Jeu interrupted an impeachment hearing after Rudy Giuliani’s spittle landed on Greg during one of Giuliani’s unhinged rants. After Greg shouted Eeeeewwww! loudly enough to be picked up on microphones at the Christian Narrowcasting Network, OutSmart’s press credentials were revoked. (Okay, okay, that really won’t happen, but the thought of it makes Greg grin.)
• Jared Kushner? Not human. Not even close.
• Trump uses his White House address primarily to hide from his creditors.
• Trump named himself the Napoleon of Nomenclature for coming up with “Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love” as the official nickname for North Korea’s Premier Kim Jong Un.
• Trump’s trade agreements are now given out with a Happy Meal.
• Steve Mnuchin once sought to change the name of the Treasury Department to “Cap’n Steve and the Money Raiders.”
• Mike Pompeo bought a movie studio to make this season’s action thriller Men in White: The Trump Administration.
• Rick Perry bought Purdue Pharmacy and gave it to Rudy Giuliani in exchange for a lifetime supply of tainted corporate ethics.
Have a festive Thanksgiving, and don’t eat Aunt Thelma’s sweet potatoes. Those aren’t nuts on top, they’re the ammo that she misplaced.
This article appears in the October 2019 edition of OutSmart magazine.