By Dr. Laura McGuire
Welcome to the second edit of “Ask Dr. Laura,” your locally grown and operated sex education column. This month we took to Twitter to discuss two topics that were hot on your mind and in your pants. Remember, you can still send email questions for the column to [email protected], so keep them coming (pun intended).
Dear Dr. Laura,
What is vaginal ejaculation anyway?
When it comes to common mythological creatures that people discuss among their friends, the most common are unicorns, mermaids, dragons, and vaginas that ejaculate. While I cannot completely confirm the existence of the first three, I can happily share that the last is very real and true. The sad thing is that while the Discovery Channel deems mermaids worthy of coverage during their primetime hours, no major network has yet to cover comprehensive sex education as a regular part of their programming. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I definitely think that vaginal orgasms are a much sweeter sell than sea sirens.
To understand the magical glory that is vaginal ejaculation you must first understand vulvar/vaginal anatomy past what most people are taught in health class. As a side note: please additionally keep in mind that not all vagina owners are women and not all women have vaginas. For centuries, dating back to 16th century India, physicians have documented the phenomena of vaginal “expulsions” as a result of sexual stimulation. In the 1950s a doctor named Grafenberg officially announced that he “found” a spot two inches interior and anterior in the vaginal canal that lead to sexual excitement, orgasm, and ejaculation. And thus the g-spot was “discovered” (much the way Columbus discovered the Americas…not). The medical term for the g-spot is the urethral sponge, and it is often referred to as the “female prostate.” Because ya know when women have something fabulous, it automatically has to be compared to something a cis-man can comprehend, ugh.
The biggest concern around female ejaculate seems to be a solid fear that it’s urine and that this makes it “gross.” There has been research that found that in some vaginal-ejaculate specimens a trace amount of urine was found. But okay, so what? It’s passing through the same tubing and so, yeah, a trace amount would get picked up, but that still doesn’t mean it’s pee. Vaginal ejaculate is produced by the paraurethral glands, and the fluid that is expelled has been shown to be distinctly different than urine and chemically very similar to penile ejaculate (see citations). Vaginal ejaculate feels, smells, and tastes very different than urine or even other vaginal secretions, kind of like a clean salt-water smell and light watery texture. Fo shizzle, it’s not pee.
Now that I have sold you on the wonders of female ejaculation, you might be saying, “But, Dr. Laura, how do I enjoy this magical mystery tour for my partner or myself?” Well, as always, I have an answer! There has been a theory that all women ejaculate but that some ejaculate internally pushing back into the bladder, crazy right?!? But at the end of the day I don’t agree with any theory that says, “Everyone does ____.” People are so unique and our anatomies so individual, I won’t tell you that it’s a guarantee that ejaculating is something that everyone can or should do. If you do want to explore it, however, the best way is to focus on the g-spot.
Like I mentioned, the g-spot is two inches inside and anterior (toward the front) of the vaginal canal. It has unique texture you can palpate that feels soft and ridged, like the roof of your mouth…you just felt the roof of your mouth, didn’t you…yeah, I know. If you gently push and rub this area, it should elicit a pleasurable response and might make you feel like you have to pee, but again it’s not pee, so don’t worry. You can do blended stimulation by also giving attention to the clitoris while focusing on the g-spot. When you feel close to climax, instead of squeezing in, try bearing down, this is the best way to allow your body to open to ejaculate if it’s feeling it. Above all, remember that pleasure is pleasure is pleasure, and you don’t have to ejaculate to experience intense orgasms. But, if you do so regularly, you aren’t unusual. Whatever you or your favorite vagina does is worth respecting, celebrating, and enjoying.
In sex positivity,
Dr. Laura
Sex Geekery:
Addiego, F., Belzer Jr, E. G., Comolli, J., Moger, W., Perry, J. D., & Whipple, B. (1981). Female ejaculation: A case study. Journal of Sex Research,17(1), 13-21.
Darling, C. A., Davidson Sr, J. K., & Conway-Welch, C. (1990). Female ejaculation: Perceived origins, the Grafenberg spot/area, and sexual responsiveness. Archives of sexual behavior, 19(1), 29-47.
Wimpissinger, F., Stifter, K., Grin, W., & Stackl, W. (2007). The female prostate revisited: Perineal ultrasound and biochemical studies of female ejaculate. The journal of sexual medicine, 4(5), 1388-1393.
Dear Dr. Laura,
What counts as “sex” for queer people?
I recently spoke at the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists Convention, and, in my presentation, I asked a room full of sexuality experts what they define as “sex.” You have probably never seen so many people debate and struggle with a single definition! Why? Because working in the field of sexuality makes you fully appreciate and realize that sex is so vast, so complex, and so far beyond a single definition.
Most of us heard the same speech from our parents as we grew up that sex was simply between “a mommy and a daddy” or “people who loved each other” and that the only thing that counted was a penis entering a vagina. If you weren’t married, didn’t love the person, or you didn’t have the exact combo of a penis and vagina, then it wasn’t going to be sex. Additionally, that penis had to enter that vagina for it to be for real. Oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, fingering, tribadism (scissoring), etc., would never count.
In my doctoral research, this exact topic came up. My queer participants said they often wondered if anything they wanted to do was sex and, if so, what counted. They made all kinds of fascinating assumptions about what they would have to do to officially lose their virginity. Even as adults, many queer people wonder what to consider sex—heck, even straight people struggle with this (see citation), and even one of our former U.S. presidents wasn’t too sure.
The main thing to remember is this—sex is not a single thing. I like to say sex is a buffet, not a single dish. A dozen or more things can be sex, or none of them—it’s up to you. Through history and cultures, different definitions of sex have come up and been altered and have evolved. If it feels like sex to you, then it is; if it doesn’t, then it’s not. The tricky thing is how you communicate this with your partners. While every individual has a right to define sex on their own unique terms, when we do something with another person, we need to communicate clearly about our expectations, interpretations, and feelings around what we are doing. If you feel like you had sex with someone and they don’t, that could cause personal but even legal issues for you. As with all human interactions, you have to be clear and transparent about where each of you stand and get affirmative and enthusiastic consent for every act every time.
Now maybe you are sitting there saying, ”Well, this is a bunch of hoo haa, you didn’t answer the question!” You are right! Because the answer is that there is no single or even scholarly written-in-stone answer. In general, if it gives you pleasure and feels intimate and is consensual, it is very likely sex. Note that I am saying it might be pleasurable, but not necessarily orgasmic; it might feel intimate, but not necessarily romantic, and that consent must be present, otherwise it is rape/assault, not sex. At the end of the day it is all perception and our right as individuals to interpret through our own lenses how we define our experiences. To quote the great poets, the Isley Brothers, “It’s your thing, do what you wanna do./I can’t tell you who to sock it to.”
In sex positivity,
Dr. Laura
Sex Geekery:
McPhillips, K., Braun, V., & Gavey, N. (2001, April). Defining (hetero) sex: How imperative is the “coital imperative”?. In Women’s Studies International Forum (Vol. 24, No. 2, pp. 229-240). Pergamon.
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