Those Adorable Libertarians

Has wacky-weed made them a little doodle in the noodle?
by Susan Bankston

The problem with fringe political ideologies is that they attract candidates who sometimes get elected and eventually have to govern. And if you’re stuck with fallible humans in control, some of whom are just not nice people, it’s darn hard to be philosophically and ideologically pure.

Which brings us to the Libertarians.

Susan Bankston

Many progressive people admire the Libertarians because they are anti-war and pro-pot. However, I think the only reason they are anti-war is because of the pot thing. Maybe they’ve been relying too heavily on the pro-pot part—and I figure that because wacky-weed has made them a little doodle in the noodle.

I have examples, and I hope you’re not at your favorite restaurant when you read this.

North Carolina Republican Senator (you’re cringing already, aren’t you?) Thom Tillis has decided that requiring restaurants to post signs in restrooms saying employees must wash their hands before they return to work is an infringement on their liberty. Freedom, y’all!

Tillis was discussing this idea with a friend, who seemed, I am fairly certain, a little taken aback. The friend asked how people could be sure that Depressed Dwayne of the Dirty Hands Clan wasn’t their barista. Tillis pondered that for a minute and suggested this: the restaurant should be required to put up a sign or advertise themselves saying that they do not require their employees to wash their hands.

I suspect it would say something like, “Welcome to Starbucks, where we guarantee a little pee in your coffee.”

Okay, so how is requiring a business to have a sign saying their employees don’t wash their hands any different than requiring a business to have a sign saying their employees do wash their hands? Unless, of course, you’re trying to fill the leadership vacuum in the pro-dirty hands lobby.

Libertarians believe in the free market. Their theory is that if enough people die of food poisoning at Mama’s Café and Bait Shop, people will quit going there to eat—so the free market will fix the problem. And the people who got sick or died before word got around? Well, that’s just the price we have to pay for . . . freedom!

They are very serious about this stuff.

A Fox Business News expert recently suggested that we don’t need government in emergencies and natural disasters “because companies like Walmart would spontaneously provide assistance to disaster victims in many more ways.”

Like hell, you say! Walmart can’t even feed and clothe its own employees.

Yes siree, and Hobby Lobby would have been delighted to handle the disposal of hazardous waste material after Hurricane Ike. And Chick-fil-A will repair levees, handle low-interest disaster loans to small businesses, and reconnect downed electrical distribution lines. Maybe Bob’s Bowling Palace will even throw in a free game if you purchase two.

So dazzle on, Libertarians, because your no-government utopia is just a few votes away.

Top Ten Results of Electing a Libertarian Congress

  1. Your new favorite charitable cause? Meat inspection.
  2. Cheerfully decorated tip jars at stop signs to pay for roads.
  3. The National Weather Service to be replaced by your Uncle Buster’s rain gauge.
  4. The Texas lottery will now handle sewage disposal. You win the lottery, we take your sewage.
  5. New research reveals that clean water flowing into your house is unnecessary and likely to be the cause of obesity, bad breath, and the disco craze.
  6. Mugging victims must now dial Call-a-Bubba. You call Bubba, and he comes over and shoots something.
  7. Juanita’s Fried Pies will proudly provide the ingredients for some heartwarming s’mores if your house catches on fire.
  8. Elections will now be run by Guy Fieri of the Cooking Channel.
  9. In case of another attack on U.S. soil, you will be given a complimentary Trailways bus ticket to a foreign country of your choice.
  10. U.S. motto “E Pluribus Unum” will be replaced with “Get the Hell Off My Lawn!”

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at
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