Sign Up for the Outsmart Newsletter
Find us on Facebook
What will people think?
By Daryl Moore
Vice President Cheney’s office recently confirmed that Vice and his wife are about to be grandparents again. According to Vice’s spokesperson, the Cheneys look forward “with eager anticipation to the arrival of their sixth granddaughter.”
But this time, their straight, married daughter—who has already produced five grandchildren for them—is not about to make them proud grandparents again. This time, their 37-year-old lesbian daughter, Mary, is going to have a baby. Mary and her partner of 15 years, Heather Poe, who cannot legally marry and cannot enter into a civil union in their home state of Virginia, are going to have a baby together.
While Vice’s spokesperson acknowledged that Mary is pregnant and is due next spring, the spokesperson would not disclose or discuss the details of the conception or the baby’s male parentage. And that leaves inquiring minds wanting to ask soon-to-be Baby Cheney: “Who’s your daddy?”
This is an intriguing question. The possibilities are endless. Is it Karl Rove’s, Ken Mehlman’s, or Condoleeza Rice’s? Or did they pick somebody else they know to be a sperm donor? If so, is he straight or gay? Did they require him to agree to terminate his parental rights as a condition of being the biological father? Or will he be a part of the baby’s life?
If not, did they go to a sperm bank? Did they sit and leaf through catalogues of prospective donors looking for a good match? Did they want somebody smart, blond, straight, or gay? Did they ask about party affiliation? Could the Cheney clan tolerate a baby Democrat?
I think we should wiretap Mary’s uterus to find out. I’m sure that, somewhere in the Patriot Act, there’s a provision that allows Bush to sign an executive order permitting him to do so without congressional oversight. This is a matter of national security, after all. Lesbians in high places are having babies out of wedlock. And remember—Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on the feminists and the abortionists. What might lesbian procreation at the highest levels of American government result in? Armageddon?
It’s not enough that Vice has a daughter who worked for a beer company and is partnered with a former park ranger. It’s not enough that his lesbian daughter is so uppity that she actually came out in a book she titled, It’s My Turn. Vice’s daughter is so out of touch with her dad’s political base, she actually believes that lesbians should be able to have children together.
Dubya should do something. This whole lesbian thing is getting out of hand. The next thing you know, Mary and Heather will want to get married. They will demand equal rights in the workplace. They will want some employer to be forced to provide health insurance to two lesbians and a baby. Heather will try to see Mary and the baby in the hospital. She will try to invoke the Family and Medical Leave Act to take time off of work to care for her partner and their newborn.
Then, when the baby gets older, Mary and Heather will show up together at school functions. They will both want to join the PTA. They will both try to attend parent-teacher conferences, Halloween carnivals, and school plays. They will probably even sit together and act like straight parents. When their daughter is older and starts hosting slumber parties, they will probably still sleep in their shared bedroom. What will the straight parents’ children think—the Republican ones with real family values—when they are confronted with the reality of two lesbians and a baby?
I’ll tell you what they’ll think. Mary and Heather sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage? Who are the dykes with the baby carriage?
Writing from the liberal side, Houston attorney Daryl Moore has a general practice and is board certified in civil appellate law.
THERE’S MORE ABOUT MARY
Nancy Ford addresses mom-to-be Mary Cheney in this month’s “What a World.”