With the Russian threat of nuclear annihilation hanging over our heads, it’s easy to overlook our own home-grown kooks who continue to be nuttier than squirrel poop. They’re still scampering around finding things to totally screw up because, well, what the hell anyway.
But even with Putin bumping them from the front-page news, they still manage to grab way too much attention. Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio got arrested for his part in the attempted violent overthrow of the United States government. The police came to arrest him at 4:00 in the morning, because you can never be too careful when approaching someone who wants to kill anybody who ain’t white. He came to the door in his underwear, and Darlin’, those panties were not figure-flattering.
I cannot for the life of me figure out what this Proud Boy has to be proud about. According to reports, he told police that he had just gotten a job printing T-shirts, and that he didn’t have a car or a place to live. Maybe that’s because all his money went toward maintaining a private weapons arsenal. He’s discovered that the time and money spent on Hoppe’s No. 9 Gun Bore Cleaner is not as romantic as it sounds.
Next we have Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who opposes extending the free school-lunch program. Yep, just make those damn first-graders get a newspaper route to pay for their lunches. Seriously, I think the reason Mitch opposes feeding hungry little children is because he’s determined to let everybody know he’s a damn sumbitch.
Then we have Idaho’s House of Representatives getting all riled up and passing a bill that would prosecute any librarian who circulated materials deemed harmful to minors. Appropriately enough, they called it House Bill 666. (Even I could not make that one up, and hell, that’s what I do for a living.)
“I would rather my 6-year-old grandson start smoking cigarettes tomorrow than view this stuff one time at the public library or anywhere else,” said Idaho Rep. Bruce Skaug.
So, I’ve been thinking: Do we really need an Idaho? I think it’s time to ponder that question. Sure, they have all those potatoes, but they’re probably selling them to Russia for their vodka. And Russia does not need any more damn vodka.
You need to look up a picture of Idaho Rep. Skaug so you can avoid him at the perverts convention. (Not that I’m saying you would go to a perverts convention, but you know, first you drink too much and then you punch in the wrong address on Google and you end up in a barn with no sheep but lotsa people looking for them. It can happen to anyone.)
I have a friend who works with librarians every day, and he says you should never mess with a librarian. “They may look like little old ladies, but they went to Shushing School and they know how to shush you in a way that makes parts of your intestines dissolve,” he says. “Plus, if you start banning their books they get meaner than ten acres of snakes covered in fire ants.” I think he’s probably right.
Runoff Election Update
The Harris County Commissioners Court is four people and the County judge who decide how three billion of our tax dollars will be spent. They are in charge of our moral, ethical, and economic priorities. Ben Chou is in a runoff for Commissioner in Precinct 4, and I want you to go vote for him. It’s important.
Ben would be the first Asian and the first gay person to serve on our Commissioners Court in Harris County. Houston is in Harris County, so it is damn-near scandalous that no gay person has ever had direct input on setting our regional priorities.
Ben is a first-generation American and the son of immigrant parents who made sure that he was born with Buffalo Bayou water running through his veins. He attended school down the road in Missouri City before graduating from Rice University and Northwestern University with degrees in law and business.
Honey, trust me when I tell you that he’s young enough to have the energy to do this job, but old enough to make mature decisions. And I know he’s so honest that you could play dice with him over the phone.
And if you live in Fort Bend County, Dexter McCoy is the man for that Precinct 4 Commissioner job, and Dr. Suleman Lalani is well qualified to be State Representative for District 76. Early voting is May 16–19, and Election Day is May 20. We’ll probably have the results sometime around the end of June. (Yeah, I’m rolling my eyes out loud over that Harris County Elections Administrator’s office.)
This article appears in the April 2022 edition of OutSmart magazine.