Darlin’, I am so excited that I could thread a sewing machine while it’s running. I’ve gotten both of my vaccine shots, and I can’t wait to go test-drive those suckers.
Look, I know there are people who won’t get the vaccine because they still believe the whole virus thing is a hoax. I don’t know what they think happened to the 550,000 Americans who have passed away, but I’m sure in their minds it had something to do with Hillary and John Podesta getting ready for the Zombie Apocalypse.
They also believe the vaccine is being used by Bill Gates and Elon Musk to put a microchip in your bloodstream so they can follow you everywhere on their iPhones. Yes, I’m certain those two fellas are sitting around just waiting to see where Joe Bob and Dewayne decide to go this Friday night to get drunk and skanky.
But the rest of us non-conspiracists are over this crap, and ready to take our shots like damn grownups. We’re ready to rejoin the world. We are ready to date, to meet new people, to dance while someone is actually watching. We’re ready to drive our cars with a passenger by our side. We are ready to grab our bows and arrows and go out hunting for our own damn food! (No, no, wait—I got a little carried away. No hunting inside the city limits.)
Honey, I am a kind and caring person, and I do not want you to go outside for the first time in over a year and be shocked about everything that’s happened while you were stuck inside Zooming. (You know, back when your idea of a wild Saturday night was binge-watching Laverne & Shirley reruns.) So read on for. . .
Helpful tips before you venture out again:
• Nobody drives to the office anymore. Offices require a wardrobe, and we no longer know what that is.
• However, pants are still required in restaurants. (Some people are real killjoys about this.)
• Just a heads-up: there’s a culture war going on, and you’ll hear Republicans whining about the Democrats’ “cancel culture.” (Yes, those same Republicans who burn Dixie Chicks merch in the streets, stop watching NFL games when players kneel to protest police brutality, clutch their pearls whenever a gay couple gets married, and boycott NASCAR for banning the Confederate battle flag.) So we’ve seen where their culture has gotten us, and we’re canceling our subscription.
• When you eat in a restaurant, you can leave all of your dirty plates and silverware on the table. Like magic, they disappear. (And you’d better tip 20 percent now, because you know it’s worth it.)
• While you were home in lockdown, we did away with the whole no-white-pants-after-Labor-Day thing. A lot of River Oaks ladies will never recover, but we decided you can wear white pants whenever you want to because nothing is finer than a nice butt in white. And I’m talking to you.
• Always ask permission before you hug somebody who just got off a Harley and has more than 18 face piercings. You don’t know where else they are pierced, and you don’t want to find out the hard way.
• Sing along at church. Do not sing along to the elevator music.
• Numbers nightclub is still open, and you can probably get in without wearing pants.
• Speaking of pants, the fashion world has taken a turn for the worse. Bell-bottoms are back, so please make sure you don’t trip over anybody’s ankles.
• All of those “Who was that masked man?” jokes have been done. Don’t even try, Kemosabe.
• Try to hang on just a bit longer, ’cuz bluebonnet season is almost upon us.
This article appears in the April 2021 edition of OutSmart magazine.