Gun Crazy: Is That A Gun In Your Backpack, Or Are You Just Unhappy To See Me?

By Susan Bankston

Our Texas Legislature, in its dastardly wisdom, has decided that one of the biggest problems in Texas is that we don’t have nearly enough college-campus shootings.

Being bottom-notch problem solvers, the Republicans in the Texas Legislature pushed through a “campus carry” bill last summer. That means any 21-year-old student who takes a one-day class can strap on a holster or conceal a handgun under his coat and go on a college campus. After all, what Texas really needs is more 21-year-old frat boys out partying on Saturday night with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a damn gun.

I know you are wondering how the police (or anyone damn else) will be able to tell the good guy with a gun from the bad guy with a gun when they arrive on the scene. There’s a solution for that problem. When this law goes into effect next year, the good guys on a college campus will wear white hats and the bad guys will wear black hats. People who are undecided on the whole good/bad issue will wear charming polka-dot hats. Honey, this could work as well as any other idea the Texas Legislature has ever come up with.

I love the University of Texas. Not only did they beat OU and bring home the Red River trophy, but they’re also making news in an even more important way.

Hundreds of students at the University of Texas at Austin will protest the new law that will allow more guns on campus, not with signs or sit-ins, but by strapping gigantic swinging dildos to their backpacks.

Their mantra? #CocksNotGlocks

They even have a Facebook page, y’all. This is a thang.

Now, if you’re gonna protest with the students, I do need to inform you of the law. The Texas penal code reads, “A person who possesses six or more obscene devices or identical or similar obscene articles is presumed to possess them with intent to promote the same.”

So if you own six or more dildos, you’re going to jail. If you own six or more guns, however, the NRA sends you a free Thanksgiving turkey.

Top 20 Ways a Dildo Is Better Than a Gun

1. People are rarely killed while cleaning their dildos.

2. Using a dildo to rob a store might work better than a gun. “Open the cash register and I’ll use this” might result in more open cash registers. You never know.

3. You still have to hide a dildo from your mother and your children, so this point is a draw.

4. Like guns, comparing size would still be a thing.

5. The only way to stop a bad girl with a dildo is…umm…okay, gimme a second…

6. Dildos come in delightful colors. At least that’s what I am told.

7. Most dildos don’t set off metal detectors at airports.

8. Target practice is much more fun with a dildo.

9. You don’t have to continually buy new ammunition for a dildo.

10. They can have my dildo when they pry it from my hot, sweaty hand…

11. Dildos: freeing people from the onus of having sex with Republicans.

12. Unlike guns, dildos can be elected to public office—just look at Texas.

13. I am not anti-dildo, but I’m not sure why peaceful citizens would need a dildo with a magazine that holds more than 10 batteries.

14. Laser sights aren’t necessary for accurate dildo use.

15. You don’t need a concealed dildo permit. Good thing, too, because your facial expression may give you away.

16. Sawed-off dildos are neither illegal nor desirable.

17. With dildos, “Go ahead, make my day” takes on a whole new meaning.

18. Drive-by dildoings are practically unheard of, and never result in innocent victims being killed.

19. If someone comes onto campus with half a dozen dildos and starts using them on the quad, umm…I’m guessing nobody dies.

20. One is a substitute for an adequately sized phallus; the other is a dildo.

21. (One final bonus reason, to make you want to hit me.) Darlin’, it’s Texas. You have the right to armadildo.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at
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