Let’s talk about Republicans…‑and freight trains with flat tires?
by Susan Bankston
Back in the olden days, when I first started to work at OutSmart, we got some…well, I wouldn’t say hate mail, but it certainly was disgust mail. Mother of all shocks, there are a few people who don’t go along with my liberal politics, and that’s just a crock of cow confetti, if you ask me.
Anyway, one of those people wrote an e-mail to the editor to complain about me. The writer started off by telling us that he was a straight man who “just happened to be reading” this magazine. That’s dandy, because we love it when people “just happen to read” OutSmart.
But, in case we forgot, he reminded us three different times in one e-mail that he was straight. He said that he was married to a beautiful woman (you know, because marrying an ugly one might mean you’re gay) and that he had children and that he was not gay. Not gay. Not even a little bit. I think he signed the letter Fabulously heterosexually yours, Bubba.
Okay, I just made up that last part, but he would have done it if he had thought of it.
Well, the publisher sent him an e-mail asking if we could print his letter in OutSmart. He said sure, as long as we included the part about being a straight man and the fabulously gorgeous wife thing. And then, since he would soon be a famous writer for getting an e-mail published, he added—and I swear on my best pair of pink boots that this is true, and I am not making it up—“I could write a monthly column for y’all. Your readers might enjoy getting the straight male viewpoint on issues.”
Really? You think that, Bubba? Because we can’t get that anywhere else?
Yes indeed, when I want to know what straight white males are thinking, I head right for OutSmart, because magazines that tell us what straight white males think are as rare as a flat tire on a freight train.
That was years ago, and I still giggle about it.
And speaking of flat tires on freight trains, let’s talk about Republicans.
I do not know if you’ve noticed this, but the entire Republican statewide ticket for Texas is all-male, all-white, and all-straight. You cannot do that by accident. You have to carefully plan that. Besides being straight and male and white, they are all so narrow-minded that their ears rub together.
Greg Abbott is running for governor against Wendy Davis. He’s still got four cents out of every nickel he ever made. He’s one of the Greedy Republicans. He won $14 million from a lawsuit when a tree fell on him, and then promptly pushed for a law saying that nobody else could ever sue like that again. Honey, that whole deal smelled like fifty-cents-a-gallon perfume. He’s so tight that when he smiles, his toes curl. He also opposes equal pay for women because, you know, they have to tote ta-tas around and stuff, so they should make less.
Dan Patrick will win the runoff to be the Republican nominee for lieutenant governor. He will be running against the marvelous Leticia Van de Putte. Here’s the deal: I’m a Christian, but I’m one of those sinning Christians. I have backsliding blisters on my butt. Dan Patrick doesn’t. He’s a Super Deluxe-Brand Christian. If you do something that makes you smile, he’ll make you stop it. Right now. And then check your hands for warts.
Republican Glenn Hegar is the Republican running to be the Texas comptroller. Bless his heart—his limitations are limitless. The comptroller collects tax money and ensures that the books balance, but Hegar’s campaign is based on the fact that he loves the Second Amendment, which of course has diddly-squat to do with accounting. He has a pistol so big that it runs on diesel. Seriously. On his TV commercials that feature his gun, he unloads more lead than there is in a fish-line sinker factory—in order to impress you with his accounting skills. He wants to abolish property taxes and put a 20 percent sales tax on everything you buy. If he’s elected, I’m investing in a Costco and a car dealership on the east side of the Sabine River.
George P. Bush—yes, another Bush. I would not vote for another Bush even if he were running for Fiddler General. This one is young, fresh, and figures it’s time to collect on his birthright. Did I mention that it’s as likely as rooster eggs that I’ll ever vote for a Bush again? George P. would probably start a war with Oklahoma and put Glenn Hegar in charge of supplying the guns.
Republican John Cornyn wants to go back to the United States of America Senate. I once heard someone describe Cornyn as being so strange that he could be ambassador to the Bermuda Triangle. He once compared marriage equality to marrying a box turtle. That guy is kinky.
There are three other GOP races with runoffs, and all six candidates are straight white men. So if you do, in fact, want to know the straight white man’s viewpoint on things, vote Republican, because that’s all you’ll hear coming out of Austin for the next four years.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.