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The Missionary Position

Texas Republicans mount another attack on their gay Log Cabin brethren.

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Texas Republican big-wigs Sue Evenwel and Senator Ted Cruz.

I’m sorry that my column is short this month, but I am so busy counting, categorizing, and organizing my newly acquired toilet-paper investment. Although there has been little time for anything else, let me just take a minute here for some breaking news.

In Texas, the Titus County Republican Party Chairwoman (and State Republican Executive Committee member) Sue Evenwel took to Facebook to wage her continuing battle against lustful mattress-thrashing in any form—except maybe the missionary position, in the dark, only for procreation, and with your government-issued marriage license clutched in one hand.

That’s right, she’d better not hear any damn moaning, carrying on, or what-not coming out of your bedroom.

For 15 years now, the Log Cabin Republicans have tried to have a booth at the Texas State Republican Convention. Honey, as long as there are chubby white-haired Republican women living in absolute terror that their husbands are going to leave them for Jake at State Farm, the Log Cabin Republicans will not be allowed to defile the Texas State Republican Convention with their booth. The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club is not allowing such things as queer people, and I’m fixin’ to tell you why.

Sue Evenwel, who hails from the inaptly named Mount Pleasant, Texas (yeah, well, they’ve never heard of you either, Buster), says that the Log Cabin Republicans are an “advocacy group,” which Log Cabin members don’t deny. They do indeed advocate—for love, and (among other things) mattress-thrashing.

Sue Evenwel says, “The Party would also not allow express advocacy groups for murderers, burglars, adulterers, or fornicators.”

What the damn hell, Sue Evenwel? What the damn hell on parallel bars in tights? I am bewildered about you saying that.

Why are you talking trash about murderers, burglars, adulterers, and fornicators? You just described your president.

In fact, Missy, your beloved president is a one-man advocacy group for all of those things. Darlin’, he’d fornicate on your mattress and then pay some hard-working, respectable hookers to pee on it. Adultery is his hobby and, by gawd, he’s good at it.

I know for a fact that at least half of the Log Cabin Republicans have no interest in grabbing your pussy, and I suspect the other half would at least ask permission first.

In other news, scientists in Spain used an HIV drug that seems to have cured a man with the coronavirus back in March. It could be a promising step toward treating COVID-19.

If it works, it’s for darn sure gonna piss some people off. I imagine at first they will refuse to take the drug, figuring it’s a secret plot to turn them all gay. But then if it starts working, the line will be out the door and around the corner.

I just have some misgivings about giving homophobes in Mississippi free benefits for an HIV drug. I think (and maybe this is just me) there should be some sort of apology involved.  You know, an admission that they were wrong, wrong, triple wrong about AIDS being God’s punishment for gay men, and that now they support equal rights for every-damn-body.

I think that, at the very least, they should be required to kiss a gay man flat on the mouth (or the butt—their choice, because I’m a nice person) and look that person in the eye and loudly say “Jesus loves you!” like they mean it. Then they get their HIV pills, and I get to smile.

Keep yourself safe, because we all need you.

This article appears in the April 2020 edition of OutSmart magazine.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.

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