O kay, I’m fixin’ to make your day. There’s this woman in West Virginia who got fired from her county job in 2016 for making a racist comment about Michelle Obama.
Pamela Taylor, who is 57 years old, took to her Facebook page and called Michelle Obama “a ape in heels.” Yes, she said “a ape.” It appears that you can either be a hater or have good grammar, but apparently just one or the other.
Not only did Pam lose her job, but that Facebook post also cost the local mayor her job when she responded, “Just made my day, Pam.”
As we have learned lately, racism makes everybody’s day in both of the Virginias. But for a while there, West Virginia was the better of the two Virginias. Then Pam just flat evened the scales. “The Virginias: Where tacky never takes a vacation.”
The story was in all the newspapers, and even on the teevee. The teevee news mentioned a fistfight during a city-council meeting, and that Pam had been removed from her job before. I kinda think she’s the Sarah Palin of the east.
So, around the same time Pam’s world became practically syndicated, she was making secret strategic plans to support herself during her unemployment. Pam is a woman with plans, by gawd.
Which brings us to last month’s news flash: “Pamela Taylor, 57, admitted she took more than $18,000 in flood-relief benefits [by] falsely registering for FEMA [aid] after the June 2016 floods that killed more than 20 West Virginians and destroyed numerous homes along the Elk River and elsewhere.”
It seems Pam claimed that her property was damaged in the flood, and that she was staying at a rental property. That wasn’t true, and she now admits it. Her property was not damaged in the flood, but she had been taking your tax dollars while complaining about the government. At the same damn time.
You can give some people a bar of soap and a Brillo pad, but they just won’t clean up.
Another newspaper quote: “In her plea agreement, Taylor agreed to pay restitution of $18,149.04. She faces up to 30 years in prison and a fine of up to $500,000 when she is sentenced on May 30 by U.S. District Judge Irene C. Berger.”
Smile now. Yes, Judge Berger is African-American. She was appointed by president Barack Obama, Michelle Obama’s less-well-known husband. I’m pretty sure Judge Berger also wears high heels.
Everybody open a window and holler, “Thank you, sweet Karma Fairy!”
I think that makes Pam a snake in high heels. Or a typical Republican.
Which brings me to a conversation I had with my last remaining Republican friend. He told me it was terribly unfair for me to compare him to Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Roger Stone, Mike Pence, Paul Manafort, Ted Cruz, Sarah Sanders, Rush Limbaugh, and—oh hell, every damn unrepentant soul in the GOP.
He says that even though he’s a Republican, he doesn’t always agree with them so I shouldn’t assume that he’s like them.
That’s caca del toro.
Look, I’m saying that you might find yourself the object of scorn for attending the annual “Puppy Kickers Conference and Jamboree,” regardless of whether or not you support kicking puppies. But there you are at the Puppy Kickers Conference and Jamboree with popcorn in one hand and a Donald Trump bobble-head doll in the other. You can say you’re not currently proud to be there, but there you are, looking sheepishly like you’re fixin’ to chant Lock her up! and then trying to explain to me that some confessed Nazis are “good people.”
And of course, most Republicans claim there’s only a few rotten apples in the Republican barrel. It’s tough to pretend the entire Republican factory isn’t gearing up to sell rotten apples, or that cruelty and a racial Cold War aren’t the headliner acts of the current GOP.
Honey, when you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
My lone Republican friend sighed and told me, “It really doesn’t matter, because Trump is going to be impeached.” Honey, first sign that in diamonds and then hand me my tap shoes.
Hope your March is warm and filled with sunshine. Beware the Ides of March and St. Patrick’s Day—both can be dangerous to your health.
This article appears in the March 2019 edition of OutSmart magazine.