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Cruz from Hell

Twenty ways ‘Lyin’ Ted’ is worse than fire ants.

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It’s election time, and I’m gonna holler “Go Vote!” for lots of good reasons—the most significant one being Ted Cruz.  

The first time I realized that Ted Cruz is just a shiver looking for a spine to run up was when I saw him demonstrate how much he needs automatic weapons. There’s a YouTube video of him gleefully wrapping raw bacon around the barrel of a machine gun, firing the gun a few awfully chilling times, and then eating that bacon right off the machine-gun barrel. He doesn’t even put it on a plate. Have mercy on my soul, Lord, he keeps smiling and making yum sounds. It would have been less disturbing if he had eaten his own boogers.

You can look that up on YouTube and see it for yourself, but I wouldn’t advise it. Honey, that prank registers $14.58 on the ten-bucks-worth-of-crazy meter.

Recently, Ted whined that the teevee news-people talk about “Beto’s hair and his teeth.” This is a crushing blow to Cruz, who used to walk the coed dorm hallways in a paisley silk robe, fancying himself the romantic lead in a Frank Capra movie. Ted Cruz truly believes he is a hunka-hunka burnin’ love, so Beto’s looks and charisma are a bit like a pin prick in an overblown balloon.  

And speaking of pricks . . . Cruz got outed as the Zodiac Killer because he overloaded the Senate’s creepy-container. 

If you’re from around here, you know fire ants. They are so named because if they bite you, two days later you have a canker on your leg the size of Beaumont, and it burns like fire.

I have heard that the burn will stop if you dance nekkid in church while the Rotary Club watches. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but . . . oh hell, it’s not true. You’ll thank me one day for telling you that. I certainly wish I had known a few months ago. 

Fire ants spread faster than a six-legged jackrabbit and have even been known to bite cute little puppies, grandmothers, and Rainbow Brite. Fire ants are a malicious bunch. I’m pretty sure that in their spare time they are enriching uranium and invading orphanages.

But no matter what, they are not as contemptible as Ted Cruz. In fact, here are Twenty Ways That Fire Ants Are Better Than Ted Cruz.

• Fire ants seem perfectly happy even if they haven’t taken away everybody’s healthcare.

• When fire ants read Green Eggs and Ham to the Senate, they first review the Cliff’s Notes the night before so that they generally understand the moral underpinnings of this epic adventure book.

• If you call a fire ant’s dad a Kennedy assassin, and then call his wife ugly, a fire ant will bite you hard. If you come back later, he will bite you hard again.

• In any sense-of-humor contest between Ted Cruz and fire ants, fire ants win bigly.

• Same deal with sexy.

• Fire ants embrace communal ownership of the means of production and reject the inherent oppression of the capitalistic patriarchy. Well, at least we think.

• Fire-ant bites go away after a few weeks.

• Fire ants just bite you. They won’t bite you and then call you a heathen for scratching.

• Somewhere, someplace, there is a fire ant that’s not a sumbitch.

• You’ve never seen a fire ant earn a Pants on Fire rating.

• If I step on, and painfully hurt, some fire ants, I feel a little bit bad about it. 

• Fire ants never killed seven people in the Bay Area in the 1970s and left clues using Zodiac signs. I’m not saying that Ted Cruz did either, but there’s not one shred of evidence that he didn’t. 

• Fire ants have a skeleton. Ted Cruz lacks a spine.

• Fire ants do not have a television commercial trying to sell bacon-cooking machine guns. Okay, so Ted Cruz doesn’t either, but he wants one.

• Fire ants work for the common good of the colony, even to the point of holding on to each other to form a kind of “ant raft” to escape a flood. Ted is the flood.

• Fire ants were brought to the U.S. accidentally, but lordy, Ted Cruz was brought here intentionally.

• Pictures of fire ants trying to look sexy don’t make me gag.

• You won’t find fire ants up Donald Trump’s butt.

• Both aspire to take over the world, but at least fire ants have some class about it.

• You can call an exterminator to get rid of fire ants any time, but the chance to get rid of Ted Cruz only comes around every six years.

Be sure to vote early, so if there’s any problem you will have time to call your local Democratic Party for help.  

It’s a long ballot, but do not get tired and skip any races. Sometimes the small local races affect your daily life more than the big ones. The Houston GLBT Political Caucus has an excellent endorsement page at thecaucus.org/endorsements.

To make your life simpler, think about this: unless a Republican stands up and loudly denounces the politics of Donald Trump, that means they support him and are proud to stand with him as leader of their party. So screw ’em, and vote a straight Democratic ticket.  

Happy Halloween, guys!

This article appears in the October 2018 edition of OutSmart magazine.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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