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Gullible Greg Gets Punked by Putin

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Plus: Michael Cohen’s other shell companies.

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By Susan Bankston

I’m fixin’ to tell you an absolutely honest-to-gosh true story. You can look it up on the Google machine, ask Siri, or call the OnStar guy, and they will all tell you it’s true, because it is.

Two years ago, right here in this magazine, I told you about Jade Helm 15. It was an Army training exercise that was to be held on rural land in Bastrop, Texas, population 6,000. It involved 60 troops, two Humvees, and a helicopter. Trainings like this one were held all over the country. 

On the Army training map, Texas was designated “hostile territory” (which I suspect is true every damn day, at least in the biblical sense). In this case, the label was more likely meant to train Army troops how to respond when they end up in hostile territory. But the Tea Party guys didn’t see it that way. They saw the Army map as an insult to Texas—and it probably was, but I’m not taking sides on that issue.

The Tea Partiers went hair-on-fire berserk. They were convinced that this was a ploy for Barack Obama to overtake Texas and herd all the Republicans into concentration camps that had been built in abandoned Walmarts, and—oh yes, it gets better—they were to be taken to these camps through secret underground tunnels that connect Walmarts all over the country. 

The “secret underground tunnels” part really pisses me off. I spend half my damn life sitting in traffic in 100-degree heat, so if there are nice cool tunnels we could be using that are being kept secret, I’m gonna hurt somebody. 

So then a very nice Army lieutenant colonel came to Bastrop to hold an open meeting to answer any questions the public had about this training exercise. He had to promise not to snicker or put on a tin-foil hat when the Tea Partiers got to asking about the abandoned Walmarts. 

A bunch of old white guys showed up at this meeting from all over the country, and for two solid hours they yelled at him to get off their lawn. Honey, they were loud enough to embarrass thunder, and mad enough to eat nails and spit corkscrews. 

Now, here’s where governor Greg Abbott comes in. The next day, Abbott announced he’d told the all-volunteer Texas State Guard, which is under his leadership, to “monitor the exercise.” And just for double-dog security, Abbott directed that “I expect to receive regular updates on the progress and safety of the Operation.” (Like Abbott would know what progress is.) 

This would be funny if it didn’t make me want to pound my head on concrete. 

Ever since that day, I have tried to get Abbott appointed to the president’s cabinet as the Secretary of Suck. Or maybe Ambassador to the Bermuda Triangle.

Slap me nekkid and sell my clothes, but do not try to convince me that it’s smart to send volunteers to “monitor” the U.S. Army for eight weeks. 

Okay, now comes the funny part. It has been revealed that the whole Jade Helm fear campaign was orchestrated by the Russians. The Tea Partiers and Abbott were pawns being used by the Russians to see if they could turn Americans against each other. It was a test run for the more recent Russian fake-news campaigns now in the headlines. 

Abbott let the Russians know that Texas ain’t the brightest light on the Christmas tree. 

So the next time you see our governor, point, giggle, and ask, “How’s tricks, Dopey?” in Russian. 

Speaking of Dopey, while our president enjoys himself a Subpoeña Colada, his lawyer has been soaking up money like a $50 sponge.

Admit it: going from Obama to Trump is like going from an iPhone to two soup cans and some string cheese. 

When word came out that Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, was taking bribes (pay to play, payola, or kickbacks) at a place he named Essential Consulting, LLC, I got to wondering how many other LLCs he has. I mean, the ones we don’t know about yet . . . 

• Small Hands (a Subsidiary of Peabrain), LLC
• Greasy Palms, LLC
• All the Best People, LLC
• Pecuniary Interests, LLC
• Moscow Mules and Bulls, LLC
• Cup O’ Cash, LLC
• Mandatory Consultants, LLC
• Have It My Way Connoisseurs, LLC
• Deposit Money Here, LLC
• Ploys “R” Us, LLC
• Benjamins’ Laundromat LLC
• Sticky Fingers, LLC
• Covfefe, LLC
• Stash the Cash, LLC
• Stormy Weather, LLC
• White Russians, LLC
• Trump University 2.0, LLC
• What’s In Your Wallet?, LLC

Happy Pride, y’all! And save some glitter for the Fourth of July! 

This article appears in the June 2018 edition of OutSmart magazine.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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