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I have to tell you something that ain’t easy. My deadline for OutSmart is two weeks before the publication date. On top of that, whatever I write has to be relevant to the political situation for a full month after publication. That’s six weeks total. So no matter what I write now, it’s gonna be buried under a pile of new Trump caca del toro by the time you get around to reading it.
And then when you do read it, you wonder, “Where in the fool tarnation has this woman been for the past six weeks? Did she write this during recess on the cruise ship or something?”
This has not always been true for most of American politics. A major crisis usually lasts at least three weeks. Since Trump took office, there have been three or four crises every damn day.
Do you want to know what I hate most about Republicans? If I could only pick one thing, it would be that we can’t have satire anymore. They stole satire from us and stomped on it so badly that it won’t stop shaking for decades. Think about it: you read, “President sashays nekkid on the White House lawn, demanding that all his children be gilded in gold.” A year ago, you would have known that was satire. Now? Who the hell knows, because dammit, that could happen. Admit it—it’s within the realm of possibility, and not the craziest thing Trump has ever done.
So here’s how this is gonna work this month. I’m just gonna make predictions about what Donald Trump is about to do. The way I figure it, about half of these will be right, and some of them might even happen on the very same morning you read this.
• Trump will call Russian president Vladimir Putin to ask which U.S. state he wants as a Christmas gift. Americans cheerfully offer Alabama.
• Trump will refer to at least one nation’s leader as a “dotard do-do head.” I bet on France. France bets on Mexico. Mexico bets on that hunk in Canada. The hunk in Canada says, “Bring it on, Big Boy.”
• The White House will introduce a new ice cream flavor: Trumplickin’ Good. It outsells their other flavor, Cap’n Hunch.
• Trump will issue special presidential subpoenas to everyone who attended his inauguration, to make them go through a turnstile so we can get a correct count to prove once and for all that his inauguration had the most people who ever went anywhere. And while they’re back in Washington, he repeats the whole event, calling it a recommitment ceremony.
• Attorney General Jeff Sessions will be unable to recall his middle name, his exact date of birth, and how many fingers he has. Additionally, he has no memory of anything that happened two months ago, but he distinctly remembers that he was against it. (Sessions reminds us that the most dangerous airborne virus in America isn’t Ebola, it’s amnesia.)
• CNN’s “Breaking News” logo will be donated to the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Early American Impressionists Collection. Replacement CNN logo now reads “What The Actual F–k?”
• Trump will declare that Poland is our ally in “The War on Christmas.” They supply our troops with tinsel and a thoughtfully selected item from Target’s Martha Stewart Collection.
• Trump will announce that he is leaving the priesthood.
• Vice president Mike Pence will reveal in a tell-all interview on Fox & Friends that he’s going to stop calling his wife “Mother” and start referring to her as “The Old Balls and Chain.” Cheerful chuckles ensue over Pence being able to say “old balls” on the air.
• Trump will be disappointed to learn that he doesn’t get to pick Australia’s ambassador to the U.S. Also disappointed: Kid Rock.
• Trump will nominate a 33-year-old recent law-school graduate to a lifetime appointment as a federal judge—someone who has never tried a case, is unanimously rated “not qualified” by the American Bar Association, and who spent the last year as a paranormal investigator.
• Sean Hannity will tell the beautiful and tender story about his frequent journeys up through Trump’s digestive system, where Hannity has decided to build his new home. There will be charts and graphs.
• Rush Limbaugh will announce that he’s still alive. Nobody gives a damn, and even Rush can’t actually prove it.
• Paul Ryan will leak to the press that he has invited four professional wrestlers to perform with Trump during the State of the Union. They will be the ones displaying proper decorum.
Okay, here’s my LeftOut holiday quiz: one of the above things has already happened. Can you guess which one? Scroll to the bottom to see if you are right.
One more thing, y’all: I have come up with a way to help Alabama’s Roy Moore really find Jesus. It involves a whole mess of wimmen, some chains, and a lifetime subscription to Your Ass Just Got Kicked magazine.
And to end the year: in last month’s special election, a 26-year-old lesbian Democrat was elected to the Oklahoma (do you hear me? Okla-damn-homa!) Senate in a district that went 67 percent for Trump in 2016. Now that’s how you say Happy Holidays, y’all!
It’s true, Trump really did like the lawyer who’s a paranormal investigator. He offered him a lifetime appointment and us a lifetime disappointment.