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Mayoral Rat Race

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Will a Republican mayor save us from our heathen ways?
By Susan Bankston

The number of candidates running for Houston Mayor is already a tad larger than the average crowd attending Free Beer Night at the ballpark, and the election isn’t until November.

If you’re wondering why I’m already talking about a November election when it’s only July, here’s the answer: the filing deadline for mayor and city council seats is next month, so if you want to run for mayor or city council, it’s time to get your paperwork-filing pants on and find some damn shoes to wear to City Hall.

All 16 city council seats are up for re-election, so if you don’t have a job, Houston City Council is our official full-employment program.

So far, it appears that at least 12 Democrats and one Republican will be running for mayor, since Annise Parker can’t run again because of term limits. I love Annise Parker. Honey, what she doesn’t know isn’t worth learnin’, so it’ll take half of those candidates to fill her shoes.

Houston has not had a Republican mayor since Elvis died. I don’t know if those two things have anything to do with each other, but it wouldn’t surprise me, considering how Houston rocks.   

I always get kinda peeved whenever Austin claims to be so much more progressive than Houston. Hey, you Austin hippies, we’re progressive, cosmopolitan, and have way more professional baseball teams than you do (which makes our Men in Tight Pants ratio soar).

I have friends who are as scared as a rabbit in a coyote’s back pocket that a Republican might become mayor of Houston. Currently, we allow people who are minorities, gay, female, or handicapped to live a relatively normal life in Houston. If a Republican white male takes over, things are gonna change.

Top 15 Things That Will Happen If Houston Elects a Republican Mayor

15. Half-price tolls for people with bumper stickers that say “Hell Yeah I Have a Gun, You Sumbitch.”

14. To save on costs, city workers will now simply bless potholes and pray for their recovery.

13. The Sam Houston statue in Hermann Park will be renamed “Ronald Reagan Riding in the Rodeo Parade.”

12. Will change the names of Pacific St. and Crocker St. to Sodom Rd. and Gomorrah Ln.

11. New city ordinance for tattoo shops: all tramp-stamps must actually say Tramp. Alternatively, a scarlet-red A may be tattooed on female chests.

10. Houston Public Library “Story Time” children’s program rebranded as “Fox News Jr.”

9. Mayor’s office moved to Pearland because City Hall has all those lesbian cooties. Mayor’s office will also be renamed First Baptist Church.

8. Houston secedes from Texas, because it is discovered that Greg Abbott doesn’t really carry a gun at all times.

7. Phoenicia grocery store chain declared a terrorist organization.

6. All nude paintings and statues at MFAH required to have modesty muumuus.

5. Due to funding cuts, the Alley Theatre will be relegated to an actual alley.

4. The Memorial Park Arboretum will be converted into a giant duck blind.

3. All Houston stores may carry only one brand and size of each item, because women can’t be trusted with choice.

2. University of Houston will become “Pat Robertson’s University of Houston.”

1. Even more statues of George H.W. Bush along Buffalo Bayou.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.
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