Is it seceding from the Union?
by Susan Bankston
Well, I’ll be damned.
We should have seen this coming. North Carolina just checked in to the Loco Lodge. Best I can tell, the Second Amendment up and shot the First Amendment with an assault rifle, unprovoked and with what little available forethought there is in a southern state.
Remember that thing about freedom of religion? Deader than a mink coat.
North Carolina Republican state legislators have proposed having an official state religion. If you’re asking yourself how that can happen, since America was founded on freedom of religion, then you have to admit that you slept through the “Southern Ways of Gettin’ around Crap We Don’t Happen to Cotton To” lecture. In this same proposal, North Carolina would declare their state exempt from the Constitution, court rulings, and lawfulness in general. You know, like they are their own country, and darn tootin’ no Kenyan socialist in the White House is gonna tell them what to do.
They wrote a bill that says each state “is sovereign” and courts cannot block a state “from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.” Sound vaguely familiar? It should. It means they have decided that the Civil War should be decided on the best two out of three.
You know the United States of America? It appears that North Carolina is not all that fond of the United part. Or the of. And even the America part is suspicious as long as that Kenyan communist is in the White House.
With a little help from my crystal ball, I thought I’d advise the news media about the entertainment they can expect once North Carolina goes hallelujah rouge and the steeple people are running the place like a Dixie hoedown.
There will be changes made, by gawd: “I’m Proud to Be an American North Carolinian Southern Baptist” will now be sung at all Duke University Blue Devils Red Angels basketball games.
Some freedom of religion will be allowed. You are free to be a Southern Baptist, a regular Baptist, a Free Will Baptist, a Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat Holy Roller Baptist, or an Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity Baptist. Methodists will be tolerated but not liked. Catholics will be looked upon with suspicion, but, of course, that’s no change from today in North Carolina.
Smokey Mountain National Park will become North Carolina Hills of Galilee and Hallelujah Lord Theme Park. The Sodom and Gomorrah ride will be closed on Sundays. Oh hell, who am I kidding? There’s no Sodom and Gomorrah ride.
The historic coastal city of Wilmington will be renamed The Baptismal Font of Glory and Washing Away of Sins and Warts, where genders do not mix because of all those wet T-shirts after the dunkings. Who will be in charge of skimming the hillbilly off the water after the dunkings, I dunno. That has not been decided yet, but probably the loser of the next NASCAR event will be in the running.
Baptists will still pretend not to see each other in the liquor store. They will still have bars and dance halls in North Carolina, but they will be renamed Holy Water and Rejoicing Centers. They will be no fun at all.
And all them Jesus-hatin’ communists who are too chicken to
kill someone for stealing a teevee or
for lookin’ funny at their wives will have to move to New York, where people’s plumb lines are crooked. Them’s the rules, you Yankee first-amendment sumbitches.
Now, on the other hand, if there is an upside to this—and there is always an upside—think for just a minute about what this means that San Francisco can do after it secedes from the Union.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.