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LeftOut: Holy Dispatch!

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One brave pastor reports from gay-marrying Canada.

Dear Pastor:

Thank you so much for sending me on this crucial missionary trip to the den of iniquity known as Canada. My dearest reverend, I can barely express my deep gratitude for this fact-finding opportunity. As you know, this will do wonders for my career in ministry. If there is one thing that matters to God’s people, it is learning the ins and outs of gay sex.

Yes, we must investigate this Sin from every angle and be bold enough to articulate our missionary position without reservation. Only then will we understand its thrust into the USofA and be able to beat off this brawny beast and get America over the moral hump.

It has now been a week since I left the South for the cold and rainy city of Vancouver. As requested, here is my report from the heart of the damp New Sodom on Canada’s left coast:

First, I am absolutely shocked the city isn’t in ruins, considering that homosexual marriage is legal throughout this notoriously nelly nation. For years, we have warned our flock that two men or two women marrying will lead to the downfall of civilization. Yet, Canada, believe it or not, still seems quite civilized.

It is amazing how they pull off such deception. While God works in mysterious ways, Satan works in mischievous ways, and I suspect he might be on the city of Vancouver’s payroll. He may even be the mayor–but I’m still researching. I learned in seminary how important it is to dot your i’s and cross your t’s before accusing one of being Satan.

But if Lucifer is not running Vancouver, how do you explain that the trains still run on time, hot and sour soup is still served hot and sour, and business is booming? Even New Year’s Eve was more calm than chaotic. Amazingly, the hetero partiers didn’t let the occasional same-sex couple holding hands ruin their buzz. Imagine a place where straight guys do shots without wanting to shoot homosexuals? What has the world come to?

What particularly surprised me was the number of heterosexual couples who still remain in this licentious land. I was expecting the city to be gayer than a Colorado revival meeting. But most people appeared to be straight–just as they were before the invasion of the homosexual agenda.

My heart went out to these poor folks, and I did all I could to save their souls. Standing on the street corner of Granville and Robson, I handed out Bible tracts and warned how the homosexuals were going to recruit them into the lifestyle. Outrageously, the police accused me of being on a bad acid trip and told me to stop harassing shoppers or they would arrest me.

The mark of a country in decline is one that considers God’s defenders crazy while letting the gay recruiters run rampant. The citizens of Canada should rise up and stage a revolt by declaring certain provinces under the control of Peter J. Akinola, the Anglican archbishop of Nigeria. If conservative Episcopal churches in Virginia can defect, placing themselves under his authority, why not British Columbia?

Akinloa would do an amazing job running BC. He is a holy man with his priorities straighter than the straights he represents. For example, a day after Jesus Christ’s birthday, up to 500 people burned alive when fuel from a vandalized gasoline pipeline exploded near Lagos.   

“This was a preventable tragedy,” Joel Ogundere, a lawyer whose home was next to the blast, told the Indian Express. “It was poverty, ignorance, and greed.”

Thank God for Akinola, for he does not let charred bodies or institutionalized corruption stop him from his obsession with rooting out the great moral evil of homosexuality. We should consider flying Akinola to Canada, where he can get Canadians right with God.

We must act now before Vancouver hosts the Winter Olympics in 2010. My brothers, the church is the only thing standing between gay Bobs in bobsleds and vogue dancing becoming an Olympic sport.

In the Lord’s name,
Rev. Red Olsen
Missionary Man, ex-gay minister, and exorcist

P.S. I will report next from Massachusetts, where we will work to make the state more like Alabama. Sure, the divorce rate in Massachusetts is one of the lowest in the nation, but it is only a matter of time before Boston becomes a mini-Canada. Please wire the funds so we can offer Barney Frank a free week at our ex-gay ministry boot camp.   

Wayne Besen, author of the book Anything But Straight: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth (Harrington Park), writes a weekly column published at www.waynebesen.com. He is executive director of Truth Wins Out, an organization that monitors the activity of so-called ex-gay ministries. Daryl Moore returns in March.

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