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Dirty Girls

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 Lisa Lampanelli is tasteless, profane, and unladylike. What’s not to love?

By Steven Foster
Photo by Karen Moskowitz

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Lisa Lampanelli

When we called Steven Foster to do an interview with Grammy-nominated comic Lisa Lampanelli, he asked: “Why me?” We told him it was the perfect editorial decision. “You’re both wicked, inappropriate, foul-mouthed dirty girls,” we told him. After a week of phone-tagging, this is that conversation, which took place during a bout with food poisoning (Lisa) and teethbrushing (Steven).

Lisa Lampanelli: Alright, ya pickle-smoking homo, get that d**k out of your mouth.

Steven Foster: I’m brushing my teeth. You’re calling me a half hour early.
Yeah, sorry about that.

Lemme call you back.
Here’s my number. Burn it after you call me. I don’t want any faggots stalking me, ya know.

Gimme two minutes. [Spit, rinse, dial.]
Hey, fag.

Hey, bitch. Food poisoning? What’d you stick in your mouth?
I can’t believe it. I was on a movie set yesterday, and I was on a 12-hour shoot and got sick as a dog. But I’m not gonna die. I’ll be here and haunt you fags forever.

Good. We look forward to it. You’ve been really busy lately.
Yeah. I’m not complaining. I swear to God, you f**king got the shaft, because I’ve had to postpone you twice, which never happens. But, yeah, we had the Grammys, and then I took my parents away for two days, and then I had this movie shoot, so thank you for your homosexual patience.

You’re more than welcome. Where’d you take Mom and Dad?
I bought this house at Canyon Ranch health spa in Tucson, because I’m very wealthy. I don’t like to brag, but I got two slammin’ houses and two Toyota Camrys, you know? Don’t think I’m f**kin’ not rich, OK?

[Laughs] Speaking of the Grammys, those two New Zealand jerk-offs stole your statue. What the f**k’s up with that?
I know. I figure they need the money more than I do. The best thing that they won is I can’t really s**t on any of the other guys, because I like the other guys. So this makes for better jokes when I’m dickin’ around about Flight of the Conchords . I mean, I don’t even know who they are. They’re on HBO, and from what I’ve heard, the rape scenes in Oz are funnier than that f**kin’ show. Probably hotter, too. So, you know what? It’s good that they won. Because I couldn’t really s**t on George Lopez, because he has only one kidney of his own, which is kinda sad. And Steven Wright’s a dirty old Jew who has nothin’ to look forward to, so it’s best they won, because I get more material.

Well, they’re not playin’ Carnegie Hall.
They certainly are not! Nor are they gonna be playing the Houston Enormo-dome, where I’m going to be at. Is that where I’m playing?

You’re at Verizon. You don’t wanna play the Dome. The A/C’s broken.
Oh, that would suck. Sweating my ass off with all of the blacks and the fags and those Mexicans. It’s better I play at the intimate [affecting a Brit accent] Verizon Wi-ah-less The-ah-tah.

Great special on Comedy Central, by the way. Nice work.
Thanks, dude. Wait’ll you see the next one. It’s even harsher. I can’t believe every sick thought in my head gets to be on TV. How do people even survive in life without a vehicle to vent? What do you do with all your evilness and all your bad thoughts? I just take it on the stage and make it funny.

Have you ever been to Houston?
Yeah, dude, I played that place about a year ago.

George Bush’s hometown. Sorry about that.
Oh, it’s OK. I got laid. I don’t give a f**k. I banged my security guard. You guys think I’m joking, but these f**king … security guards are so sexy. It’s almost in the contract that they have to bang me after the show if I want ’em to. So all I remember is I had a hot chocolate daddy. How else could I f**kin’ remember [Houston] in kindness?

You’ve been famous for your roasts. Who’d you enjoy going after most?
I have to say that it has to be somebody you like. You know what I mean? ‘Cuz to do a roast the right way, there has to be some love between the people. Or at least a respect for their work. I mean, I really like Pam Anderson. I think she’s adorable. She doesn’t take herself seriously. I love William Shatner. I love Jeff Foxworthy. Flavor Fav was awesome. The ones you don’t wanna roast are the ones who take themselves seriously like that f**kin’ c**t Sandra Bernhardt who don’t like me. She can go suck a d**k. I hate her. I couldn’t roast her because there’s no love between us. You can sense that I meant every joke I said. So the only people you can really, really roast are people you like. Luckily, most of the roasts I’ve done, that’s been the case. Even Jerry Lewis, that old f**kin’ Jew windbag.

Can I ask you a personal question?
Are you kiddin’? I just told you I banged the darkey security guard. Sure!

Have you ever been married?
Yeah, once. I hit 30 and thought, “Ooh, I better get married. That’s what people do when they’re 30.” So I married this guy, Jim, who wasn’t like a retard, but he had a bad car accident. And I’m a caretaker. You know? Caregiver type? I have that kind of personality. So I liked him for, like a minute, and then we got married. I was like “What the f**k did I do?” It was almost like that Pet Shop Boys song. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?

[Laughs] And then I ended up like, “Dude, I’m just not happy.” And, thankfully, we parted friends because, you know, I’d feel really guilty, ‘cuz he’s dead now. So that woulda sucked if he died and I didn’t like him. He was a little retarded, but married LL. What can you do?

But you must be lovin’ life right now.
Listen, 90 percent of the time I am. But then I don’t get in my gratitude. I really get very sad—“Oh, my God, I don’t have a boyfriend. Waaah.” And then I go, “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen.” But that’s the only thing missing is the nice boyfriend. But I am an older woman with lovely hair extensions, two Camrys, a nice rack, and a tight box. I think life is good.

I think you’re kinda sexy.
I’m the f**kin’ hottest chick you ever saw! What do you mean kinda, you f**kin’ a**hole?! If you were straight, you’d be cornholin’ me over the phone and you know it!

You’re right. You’re right, I would. Hey, what’s the movie you’re workin’ on?
Oh, that was great. It’s called The Group and it’s about a group of sex addicts. It’s with Tom Arnold and Henry Winkler, and it’s by the guy who directs Alias and Felicity and this and that. And what happened was, they wrote a part in for me because they’re big fans of mine. Those are the f**kin’ parts I want, dude. Like the Owen Wilson movie that I just did that’s comin’ out in March. They wrote the part for me. And I get to be myself and just get more famous and sell more tickets. That’s all I give a s**t about.

I hear you’ve got an animation project in the works.
Yeah, those f**kin’ freaks at Comedy Central.

Oh, they suck!
Yeah, but thank God they’re still pondering if they’re gonna do it. It’s the funniest pilot in the world. It’s me and a black guy running from the law, going around the country. It’s like The Fugitive , but nobody’s really chasing us. Like I’m delusional. I think somebody should be chasing me because I’m so f**king important. Kinda like my life is anyway. It’s called Run, Lisa, Run . So now hopefully by the time I come down there, we’ll know if they picked it up or not. And if they don’t, we’ll shop it somewhere else.

The concept sounds fantastic. Is that yours?
Yep. I wrote it with the guy who wrote Drawn Together . It’s genius. I have a pretty good feeling about it, but you never know with a network. You just go with it and don’t get disappointed. Whatever!

Well, I won’t take any more of your time. I just wanted to say I think your work is dead-on. Thank you for fitting me into your schedule.
Oh, are you kidding? I love it. When she sends me the list and it’s always like these f**king white guy journalist idiots from these awful papers and then I see Fag Paper! I’m like, oh God, thank you Jesus, because I know it’s always gonna be the big honkin’ cornholer who gets me. You’re the only guy I’d be happy to talk to today. I was like, “Oh, I can’t talk to a straight guy.” F**k that s**t. Thanks for being a big dirty fag and making me happy.

Steven Foster, a producer/director with ADV Films, the Houston-based media company and anime distributor, is a former OutSmart staff member.

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Ste7en Foster

Steven Foster is a regular contributor to OutSmart Magazine.

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