I hope by the time you’re reading this that the pandemic is starting to pump the brakes. I call it The CoronaCoaster, for all of its ups and downs. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing your workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks, and the next day you’re bawling, drinking gin for breakfast, trying to jump-start your toaster with your vacuum cleaner, and missing people you don’t even like.
At deadline time, we were fixing to get a new president. I’m gonna suppose that has actually happened—assuming the shirtless buffalo-horns guy didn’t come back in a Jesus outfit and walk across the National Mall reflecting pool without getting his robe wet. (You know what the tacky people are calling him after they found out about his vegan prison diet? Dances with Kale.)
Nobody was more surprised than I was to see that Trump got impeached a second time. Honey, I hadn’t even finished writing all my thank-you notes for the first impeachment.
Here’s my list of things that we had just assumed were true about Trump’s administration, but couldn’t prove:
• Trump also extorted the prime minister of East Bandar to produce some dirt on Marco Rubio. Then we discover that there is no East Bandar, but the prime minister shares a post office box with Rudy Giuliani.
• Jared Kushner takes not one dime in salary, and since his accomplishments turn out to be worth about that much, it looks like we owe him a little back pay.
• Ivanka Trump is coming out with a new line of household items for the Russian market. Pee-resistant plastic bedsheets top her list of best-sellers.
• Mike Pence’s wife (whom he calls Mother) is also his cousin (whom he calls Dixie). This little-known loophole in Indiana marriage law is the reason why some couples need to live in Indiana.
• Rev. Billy Bob Jeffers, pastor of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, claims to have the original version of the Constitution (not the current version that was changed by the Deep State in the basement of a Des Moines pizza parlor). Rev. Jeffers’ original version lists Donald Trump as the third signer of the Declaration of Independence and the rightful heir to the American flag, the Lincoln Memorial, and most of the Godzilla movies.
• And one thing we already knew for sure (but we still like to sit and savor every now and then) is that Rick Perry has done yee’d his last haw, and is every bit as dumb as we suspected.
Sometimes those QAnon people cannonball into the middle of the rage pool and can’t get back to the side to get out, so there they are. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that they won’t shuddup and they keep splashing water on your cute new outfit. Everything is a personal affront to them. Everything. They’ve never read the Constitution or its amendments, but they’re absolutely certain it says they can do whatever they feel like doing. And they can’t spell infringed.
If anybody ever tries to tell you that Trump actually played no role in the Capitol insurgency, remind them that Bin Laden didn’t actually fly the airplanes on 9/11.
Let’s chat for a minute about our former First Lady Melania Trump. When she first landed in Dee-Cee, we all felt sorry for her because she married for money, and there’s just not enough money in the world…
But then came Melania’s anti-Christmas rant. You can hate a lot of things, but you cannot hate Christmas. There she was, caught on tape saying that she doesn’t give an F or a K about Christmas. Oh no, girlfriend! While that explains your horrid White House holiday decorations, it doesn’t explain why you are unable to smile.
Top Ten Titles for Melania’s New Book:
10. The Devil Wears MAGA
9. A Tale of Two Twitties
8. Chicken Soup for the Soulless
7. I Write Dees Book
6. The Third Wives Club
5. Raging Bullies
4. Putin on an Act
3. The Days of Whine and No Roses
2. White Pride and Prejudice
1. Gone with the Windbag
And so here we are, all ready for the new year to be better. During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of a plague with wine and orgies. Let me know as soon as you hear what’s being planned when this one ends.
This article appears in the February 2021 edition of OutSmart magazine.