Bless his heart, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has it floored in neutral. In all fairness, if Governor Greg is not tottering on the edge of paranoid hysteria with a splash of silly poured over it, then he’s either asleep or passed out at the dinner table.
Right after the assassination of Iran’s Vice Ayatollah, Abbott told the Houston Chronicle that Texas officials “have identified Iran as the origin of as many as 10,000 attempted attacks per minute” on the State of Texas computer system.
Oh, silver-plated rodeo rope with mother-of-pearl handles lassoing in the sunset! I think Abbott got confused and quoted the number of visits to pornographic websites by Texas evangelical preachers using State computers.
Texas must be the biggest anti-Persian power on earth (and two neighboring planets) to be subjected to 10,000 attempted hacks per minute. But Texas—fully armed, loaded, and ready to fight a damn war with Bubba and Melvin over at the shooting range (leading the troops currently housed at trailer parks in Grimes County, and I have proof of that)—is holding off them damn Iranian computer hackers.
Okay, here’s my proof about the trailer parks in Grimes County:
If you’ve never heard of Confederate Heroes Day, it’s never heard of you, either. How totally inventive of Grimes County to put Confederate Heroes Day on Martin Luther King Day, where nobody would ever think to look. You can bet your best pair of pink boots that every trailer park in Grimes County will be decked out with Confederate battle flags and white-nationalism symbols on Confederate Heroes Day. (Oh, wait—that’s how they decorate on every damn day of the year.)
Back to the idea of 10,000 Iranian computer hacks per minute on the State of Texas computer system.
According to a statement released by the Texas Department of Information Resources (where Abbott claims he’s getting his information about the 10,000 hacks per minute), they don’t know a thing about that and they sure didn’t tell the governor anything. The DIR says they observed an increase in global network activity. You know, an increase. From all over the damn place. On the globe. That’s all they know. They didn’t count, and they sure didn’t leave the counting up to Abbott, because as we’ve seen before, when he counts past 10 he’s gotta take off his shoes.
One hacking attempt did get the job done, though. Our big doofus agriculture commissioner, Sid Miller, got his website breached.
However, even Miller says it was probably the work of kids.
“It’s not clear how the hackers got into the website. Officials don’t think it was Iran, but they suspect it may have been youth participating in some type of cyber challenge,” Miller said.
Good Lord, he’s got that all figured out, and he’s an idiot.
Yeah, and I don’t think Iranians would name themselves #theloserteam. However, on the upside, Abbott could use that hashtag without having to pay a licensing fee.
One more thing, before I leave you to face the yearly bodacious sequin-glitter-and-candy competition also known as St. Valentine’s Day: I wish you calorie-free candy and a cutie-pie who adores you. And if you’re out on Valentine’s and see someone alone, secretly pay for their coffee or their lunch because, dammit, everybody needs to smile.
This article appears in the February 2020 edition of OutSmart magazine.