And other electoral quandaries.
By Susan Bankston
Republicans tell me that I voted for socialism when I voted for Barack Obama in November. Here it is January, and I still don’t have my socialism. Where the hell is it? Cripes, it’s been three months. How long does it take to build a socialism? I mean, the way the Republicans talk, socialism is kinda like the pathos du jour, simmeringon the stove. So here I sit, tapping my fingers on the table, waiting for a big ol’ heaping bowl of socialism. Hell, I can’t even get an assault weapons ban for an appetizer.
Boy howdy, am I upset.
And I also want to know where my danged gift is. Mitt Romney said that people voted for Obama because Obama promised them gifts. I want a pony. Maybe even a Winnebago. But here it is January and I got diddly-squat. (Santa doesn’t count. Santa is a socialist and only swoops through Texas because he gets a little drunk in France and gets lost on the way to Sweden.)
So, since I lost out on my socialism and my gift, I’m pondering joining the Texas secessionist movement.
Some pissed-off folks put a petition for Texas to secede from the union on the Internet machine, and 119,000 Texans signed it. Of course, 25 million people from other states signed it, too.
I guess my biggest concern is that if we secede we won’t have the protection of the United States Army to protect us in the highly likely event that some drunk ol’ boys from the Louisiana swamp decide to invade Texas. Sure, I know how to eat crawfish, but that doesn’t mean I want to learn to speak Cajun or flood San Antonio just so Boudreaux can feel right at home.
On the other hand, all those guys who do Civil War reenactments would be yee-yawin’ their way over to Academy to stock up for real.
There’s also some other states threatening to secede after President Obama was reelected. I give it two weeks before Georgia declares war on Alabama, where football bragging rights will somehow be involved in the battle. I’m guessing the guys in Colorado want to secede because they got stoned and want to charge a toll to get to the weed, right? And one more question: how will we even know when Montana leaves?
Top Ten Best Things about Texas Seceding
10. We were never that fond of Idaho anyway.
9. Mississippi could now claim last place in everything.
8. Because we’d hate for Arizona to beat us to it.
7. Texas could create its own money and put Willie Nelson on the ten-dollar bill. The money wouldn’t be worth anything, but damn, smoking it would be fun.
6. Rick Perry would no longer be a U.S. citizen, which will keep him from running for president and saving us from mortifying disgrace. Again.
5. Border fence with Oklahoma: not just good policy, but also fun to throw beer cans over.
4. Our interstate highways could be used for what God intended: NASCAR rallies.
3. Because then the teams in the “World” Series could be from any of three countries.
2. Because all my exes live in Texas.
1. We could finally forget the Alamo.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.