The Double-Down Dumb Ticket
by Susan Bankston
Governor Perry’s high-dollar political consultants have figured out that Texas now has a whopping 38 electoral votes, making Texas one big-ass decider. The consultants don’t have to sell real-life Rick Perry as a custom option for the presidential ticket; they just have to sell the 38 electoral votes he could contribute to the national ticket.
Running for vice president is a tricky deal. Sarah Palin parlayed it into a chance to get the heck outta Alaska and proudly display glorified and mercilessly undiluted ignorance all over the country. But, then again, who ever heard from Vice President Garret Hobart after McKinley’s 1896 campaign? You didn’t—and that’s my point.
The upside of Perry running for vice president is that it’ll lower the odds of him wanting Texas to secede from the union. But the downside might be . . . Oh my God, Rick Perry is vice president!
The big question, then, is who Rick Perry will have to play second fiddle to. Who will be his running mate?
I have to admit that I was more than a tad sad when Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour pulled out of the Republican presidential race.
A Barbour/Perry ticket would have coupled the governors of the two states worst at everything good. It would have been the Double-Down Dumb ticket. Plus, think of the fun it would have been to have a “Hey, Bubba, Hold My Beer and Watch This” campaign slogan.
Donald Trump would be a good fit for Perry—good hair and bad hair on the same ticket.
Rick Perry and the former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee would work. Imagine them running against Barack Obama as the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Crackers ticket. Honey, there is not enough fried okra and hushpuppies in the world to support that duo. Plus, I don’t think they’d actually campaign to win—they’d just pray about it. Loudly. They’d pray in public very loudly because everybody knows God is deaf in one ear and can’t hear out of the other.
Then there’s the Tim Pawlenty/Rick Perry ticket. Not even a glitter enema would make those two more exciting than the unemployment line. Hot-air balloon races in the dark would be more interesting.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.