Favorite Nonbinary Sex & Relationship Therapist

Duewa “Kaya” Spicer, 51, who identifies as queer and nonbinary, is a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist who founded Infinite Zen Therapy in 2018. Spicer’s boutique practice is dedicated to honoring the complexities of human experiences, particularly those that are frequently ignored or stigmatized. Their therapeutic philosophy focuses on examining areas such as desire, loneliness, and personal boundaries, thereby fostering opportunities for meaningful self-awareness and transformative growth.

Infinite Zen Therapy is inspired by the concept of Zen, with an emphasis on finding peace amid life’s chaos. As a queer nonbinary individual, Spicer is acutely aware of the need to cultivate tranquility, especially in today’s dark environments that feel hostile and unsafe. They advocate for embracing vitality and joy, which might mean attending a sex party, sharing intimacy, or engaging in self-pleasure. This inclusive perspective is reflected in Infinite Zen’s commitment to celebrating erotic energy, kink, non-monogamy, and the diverse spectrum of human identity and relationships.

Spicer’s approach is rooted in the belief that no one is broken; instead, everyone is continually becoming. They view therapy as a process of reclaiming pleasure, freedom, and a belief in one’s wholeness. They aim to provide a shame-free, pleasure-centered space that is rich in inclusivity. They welcome gender, erotic, and relational diversity. Clients are encouraged to be curious, explore what feels good, and heal from past wounds by reconnecting with their bodies and communities as sources of joy.

Central to Spicer’s work is helping people understand the intersections of desire, pleasure, identity, and relationships. They pride themselves on slowing down the therapeutic process, allowing clients room to reflect, process, and grow. Spicer acts as a guide rather than a “healer” by helping clients navigate their beliefs and narratives surrounding sexuality, intimacy, sexual function, and pleasure. Many clients experience deep emotional releases, realizing their identities and desires are valid and worthy of acceptance. Spicer normalizes these experiences, helping clients embrace their sexuality and the happiness that comes from connecting with their bodies.

Spicer also focuses on demystifying and destigmatizing sexual interests and fantasies. When clients share unconventional desires—such as wanting to embody a puppy—Spicer responds with acceptance and reassurance, reminding them that these feelings are not unusual. This affirming approach helps clients feel seen and understood, fostering a sense of belonging and permission to explore their authentic selves.

Spicer’s journey into sex therapy was inspired by childhood experiences, notably the influence of Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a sweet television personality known for her candid and accepting discussions about sex. This openness contrasts sharply with Spicer’s upbringing in a conservative Sunni Muslim household where sexuality was rarely discussed. Motivated by Dr. Ruth’s example, Spicer became a frequent library visitor, exploring books about sex, anatomy, and psychology—a pursuit they kept secret from their mother.

Identifying as a tomboy from a young age, Spicer challenged traditional gender norms, preferring activities like climbing trees and playing with bugs. After leaving home at 17 and coming out as queer at 19, Spicer found community in local gay bars and gradually developed a deeper understanding of their gender identity, coming out as nonbinary at 43.

Spicer believes life is a continuous journey of becoming, with each individual constantly evolving. This perspective shapes Infinite Zen Therapy’s therapeutic approach and its supportive environment.

On World Mental Health Day, October 10, Spicer uses social media to remind people they are not alone, and to promote self-care. They emphasize the importance of reconnecting with friends, family, and community, as well as encouraging the pursuit of pleasure in everyday moments. Spicer likens this to savoring ice cream—fully experiencing its flavors and sensations—and urges clients to embrace these “mmm” moments as often as possible, highlighting the value of slowing down and cherishing simple joys.

For more information, visit infinitezentherapy.com/about