By Ryan M. Leach
Spring Has Sprung! The holidays have passed and it’s time to get ready for summer. That means it’s time to lose some of the dead weight that we’ve been lugging around all winter. And by weight, I mean your significant other. And by lose, I mean dump. Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies, but it’s less sad when it is at one of these eight gay-friendly brunches.
I have been broken up with hundreds of times (sometimes by people I didn’t even know I was dating), so take it from me: there’s a lot to consider when making a clean break. You worry about the “why” and my list will worry about the rest.
1. “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
Low Brow, 1601 W. Main St.
Okay, it’s time. You wanted to break up in December, but then the holidays came. Then there was New Year’s Eve, and then Valentine’s Day—and that would have been mean. Now even St. Patrick’s Day is behind us. Enough excuses. If you’d rather try the Nachos Verdes than spend another night with your soon-to-be ex (and you will), Low Brow is the place for you. And in case you need liquid courage, the drinks and fun atmosphere will help distract them while you finally get it together.
2. “We Are Growing Apart”
The Kitchen at The Dunlavy, 3422 Allen Pkwy.
To “grow apart” means you had actually “grown together,” so The Kitchen at The Dunlavy is a great place to end a longtime love affair—of, say, three months? You both know what this brunch is about, so you’re going to want to look your best. The elegant chandeliers, natural light, fresh bites (I like the Avocado Toast), and treetop atmosphere will leave your new ex wanting more. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. The Kitchen also has counter service and valet parking, so you can arrive in style and pay separately.
3. “They Cheated”
Baby Barnaby’s, 602 Fairview St.
If you’ve found out they’ve been cheating on you and you are going to ambush-break-up with them, then do it at Baby Barnaby’s, right in the middle of Montrose. Chances are you will run into their side-piece halfway through your Seasonal Fruit Pancake, and then it’s gonna get real like Krystle and Alexis from Dynasty up in there.
3. “You Cheated”
NOT Baby Barnaby’s, 602 Fairview St.
If you’re about to tell them you’re breaking up because you’ve been seeing someone behind their back, then do not take them to eat the delicious Green Eggs at Baby Barnaby’s, right in the middle of Montrose. Chances are you will run into your side-piece, and then it’s gonna get real like Krystle and Alexis from Dynasty up in there.
4. “My Friends Hate You (and So Do I)”
Hugo’s, 1600 Westheimer Rd.
Hugo’s is also right in the middle of Montrose, but this brunch is relatively family-friendly and thus a little noisy. This is good, because when you give them the heave-ho during your Gorditas de Lengua, it will be easy to tune out their whining while you finish your Melinche Margarita.
5. “You’re Crazy about Me in a Bad Way”
Bistro Menil, 1513 W. Alabama St.
The Bistro Menil is a great place to let someone know that sending you 47 texts over the span of one hour is a bit alarming. The clean lines, natural light, and soothing artwork create a calming atmosphere that will help you avoid a major scene. And with dishes that are elegantly named Pancetta & Egg on Toasted Brioche Bun with Beurre Blanc, there is less of a chance that your tires will be slashed after all is said and done.
6. “I’m Moving Away . . . from You”
Bovine and Barley, 416 Main St.
This new downtown eatery and bar is a great place to let a love disinterest know that you’d rather move to another city than spend another moment with them. The “moving away” excuse has the advantage of feeling more like star-crossed fate than full-on rejection. You can enjoy your last meal of Croissaffles and then hop onto the Main Street light rail for a quick getaway to your real bon voyage party.
7. “You’re a Republican”
Beaver’s, 2310 Decatur St.
Okay, I will admit that I may be the only person who would use this as a reason to break up with someone, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. Beaver’s, with its tongue-in-cheek menu, is the perfect place to part for partisan reasons. Enjoy a Squealin’ Mary and a juicy Beaver Wedge if you can no longer stomach listening to your Log Cabin lover blather on about Ted Cruz.
8. “I’m Gay”
1308 Cantina, 1308 Montrose Blvd.
You and your opposite-sexed companion are both going to need a margarita or two after this break-up scenario, and 1308 is famous for its deadly margaritas. After you come out, you can both go out in the gayborhood and celebrate your new platonic status!
Of course, these brunch places are also good even if you’re not breaking up with someone. Just a little food for thought.
Ryan Leach rarely cooks at home and doesn’t even know where the grocery store is. If you would like to take him to dinner (your treat, including drinks), you can email him at [email protected].