Don We Now Our Gay Apparel: How To Throw An Epic Gay Holiday Party

By Tim Curfman

As the LGBTQ community becomes more and more accepted in the mainstream, there is a strong danger that we will start to lose the unique identity and sense of purpose that has bound us together for centuries.

I’m okay with that. Some of you guys were getting on my nerves anyway. But what breaks my heart is the disappearance of the truly spectacular gay parties that I have been involved with over the years. In order to help rescue this fast-disappearing staple of the holiday season, I have compiled this list of 10 essential elements of flair necessary to make your gay party sparkle!

1. Gays! – and by “gays,” I mean the LGBTQ community. There’s nothing like a room full of queens to rock a party, but I’m also okay with gay-party-curious straights. I’m that open-minded, and you should be, too.
2. Alcohol – Favor hard liquor and mixers over beer and wine. Buy lots and lots. Google how to mix a cosmopolitan and a lemon drop. Make a giant pitcher of cosmos and put it in the freezer overnight. It will magically turn into a pitcher of cosmo slushies. (It’s a cosmo. It’s a slushie. Do I even need to explain how awesome that is?)
3. ’80s Gay Music­– which I will loosely define as “heartbreak you can dance to.” ABC, The B-52’s, Bananarama, Book Of Love, The Cure (just the fun songs), Dead or Alive, Deee-Lite, Duran Duran, Erasure/Yaz, Eurythmics, The Communards/Jimmy Somerville/Bronski Beat, KC and the Sunshine Band, Madonna, Michael Jackson, New Order, Oingo Boingo, OMD, The Pet Shop Boys, Prince, The Psychedelic Furs, Stereo MC’s, Tears for Fears, The Thompson Twins, and Wham. (I know that there was other music written after the ’80s. I think it’s called ’90s music.)
4. Pretentious Queens – These are the guests who drink high-end wine that they have brought to the party because our swill isn’t good enough for them. They claim to taste raspberries, licorice, and even oak. I find myself thinking, “How do they even know what oak tastes like? Have they been nibbling on trees?” They pour me a glass and ask me what I taste. I reply, “Alcohol? Grapes?”
5. Twinkly Lights – Buy 600 feet of multi-colored Christmas lights and wrap them around anything in your home that isn’t moving. They look great scattered around a buffet table!
6. Personal Twinkly Lights ­– Go to Arne’s Party Barn and buy strings of battery-operated LED lights. Wrap them around yourself until you have transformed yourself into a walking Christmas tree. Try stuffing them down your shirt for more of a diffused glow.
7. High Camp – If you have invited the right kind of gay boys, then eventually one of them is going to say something bitchy to you in front of the entire gathering. Prepare yourself with one of these snappy comebacks: “Oh honey, there are so many things I admire about you, but I just can’t think of any of them right now,” or “Oh sweetie, I’m so glad we could be friends, even though I’m the pretty one.”
8. Kitsch – Sure, you could try to recreate the White House National Christmas Tree in your living room, but wouldn’t a pink aluminum Christmas tree from Goodwill be more fun?
9. Activities – I suggest croquet, a surprisingly vicious game that makes a great outdoor spectator sport for those who would rather just sip their cosmo slushies and watch. Tempers will flare as balls fly into the bushes, but when it’s over, you will learn which of your friends are the real bitches—an important thing to know. For guests who are young, limber, and competitive, you could also try a game of Twister.
10. A Touch of Drag – There is something about a room full of people wearing something silly or drag-like that frees the spirit and loosens the inhibitions. This can be as involved as a costume party, as risky as a toga party, or as offensive to people who live in trailer parks as a Trailer Trash party. (Overalls, tube-tops, and hair curlers, anyone?) For the holidays, tell people that there will be a prize for the most festive outfit, and be ready to vacuum up some tinsel!

Gentle reader, if you have read all of the above suggestions and thought to yourself, “I can do better than that!” then you are already in the correct frame of mind to throw a kick-ass gay party. Think of it as a competitive sport, and go for the gold!

You must get in touch with your inner queen and let her guide you to gay-party nirvana. Google “best holiday party ideas” and stroll through Arne’s Party Barn while constantly asking yourself, “What would Martha Stewart do?”

Take your heritage seriously. Only you can save the gay holiday party!

Tim Curfman contributed the article “I Now Pronounce You Husband and…um…Other Husband” to the October edition of OutSmart magazine. He and his husband, Jim Rolewicz, own and run Scenic Hill Vacation Cabins in Brenham, Texas (scenichillvacations.com). Read all of his OutSmart articles here.