Reviewed by Terri Schlichenmeyer
ONLY ON THE WEB
It’s enough to make you scream. Seriously, how many fashion faux-pas do you have to see before everyone understands that Plumber’s Butt and muffin tops are not acceptable? Don’t those people look in mirrors before they leave the house? Do you need to rent a plane and sky-write it: “Wear pants that fit.”
It’s enough to make you want to break down in public, which you hate.
But that’s not the only thing that you hate. There are dozens more, as you’ll see in Stuff That Makes a Gay Heart Weep: A Definitive Guide to the Loud & Proud Dislikes of Millions by Freeman Hall.
So somebody gives you a bottle of cheap booze or wine. Or that box that made an interesting sound when you shook it turned out to be a stupid gay T-shirt. Or you got tacky home décor for Christmas. You know—the kinds of things that make you want to simply crawl into a fetal position until it all goes away? That’s what you’ll find in this book.
Don’t you just hate it when your gaydar is broken? Or you miss Real Housewives one too many times—or the Oscars? Or, OMG, you get a Facebook gift (what’s the use of that??) or a lame status alert. OMG, it just makes you reach for the tissue.
Now that you think of it, so does the overuse of “OMG.”
And fashion? Don’t even start. Bad weaves, flip-flops with socks, sideways baseball caps, crocheted ponchos, fanny packs, people who wear scarves in the summer. And Capri pants. Who ever said they look good on anybody? You can feel your eyes filling up now…
Justin Bieber. Now he really makes you want to bawl your eyes out. So does Richard Simmons and a certain Mama Grizzly with lipstick. The Kardashians—sniff. Guidos and Guidettes—sniff. And that Angelina Jolie and Hugh Jackman are NOT gay? Waterworks, simply waterworks.
Virtual pets? Really? Like they’re better than a real cat or dog? And who puts a Snuggie on their dog…or worse—a costume on any day except Halloween? Speaking of which, don’t you hate when people go out for Halloween but don’t wear a costume?
Careful. You feel a crying jag coming on…
And if this book doesn’t make you weep from laughter, there’s something wrong. Stuff That Makes a Gay Heart Weep is absolutely hilarious.
With his signature snarky sense of humor and his feel for the absurd, author Freeman Hall pokes fun at kitschy, faddish, everyday things, places, and people that practically beg to be ridiculed. In this book, there are over 200 entries that are so hilariously, awfully tragic that you don’t have to be gay to want to break down in tears, even if you’re a guilty party. And once you’re done reading, you almost have to come up with your own Stuff List.
Wrap yourself in your Snuggie because, OMG, you need a good laugh out loud. Stuff That Makes a Gay Heart Weep is an absolute scream.
Stuff That Makes a Gay Heart Weep: A Definitive Guide to the Loud & Proud Dislikes of Millions
by Freeman Hall
2010, Adams Media (adamsmedia.com)
216 pages, $13.95
Terri Schlichenmeyer has been reading since she was three years old, and she lives on a hill in Wisconsin with two dogs and 11,000 books.