What A World

He Said What?

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Just when we think the news can’t get any weirder, it does
by Nancy Ford

There’s no denying it. Texas has endured more than its share of bad press lately. No sooner than that lingering, noxious smell of George W. Bush’s presidency barely began fading from our nasal passages, another Texas governor stepped into the presidential candidate’s spotlight, with his oops and secession and N–ger Rock talk bringing all that accompanying embarrassment back to the Lone Star State.

But it’s not just Texas’s good ol’ boys who seem to be providing all the questionable headlines of late. Politicians, pundits, and self-proclaimed experts of every ilk, as well as those they influence, are proving that there’s still plenty of embarrassment and hypocrisy to go around, coast-to-coast.

Fox’s Fuzzy Math. President Barack Obama is responsible when the national average price for gasoline is $3.83 a gallon, according to Fox News. The network blamed Obama 144 times in the span of two months for not controlling rising petrol prices. Yet, when the national average price for a gallon of gasoline rose to $4.34 in 2008, President George W. Bush, somehow, was not responsible. At that time, Fox reported, via Bill O’Reilly’s The O’Reilly Factor: “No President has the power to increase or to lower gas prices.”
Can’t see the reasoning behind Fox’s different responses to the same issue, you say? Look closer. It’s as plain as black and white.

Butter, Bad. Vegetarians, Badder. According to Anthony Bourdain, that Travel Channel wandering chef, his homespun rival and Food Network favorite, Paula Deen, is a hypocrite of the first order for lending her name to a pharmaceutical that treats her recently diagnosed diabetes, a condition often brought on by consuming fat-heavy delectables she’s become famous for. Big talk from a man who also once ecumenically penned in his own book, Kitchen Confidential: “To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food.”

Boys in the Hoodie.
According to Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera, if you wear a hoodie, you’re asking to be murdered—unless, that is, you’re a Justin, as in Bieber or Timberlake. Then you’re simply asking for someone to notice your adorable dance moves.

Replaceable Parts. Former U.S. vice president and face-shooter Dick Cheney has successfully undergone a heart transplant. Where they found the heart of a jackal, we’ll never know.
BONUS: CHOOSE ANOTHER PUNCHLINE AT NO ADDITIONAL CHARGE!
—The VP’s old heart has been safely enshrouded in a lead case and buried in Los Alamos, New Mexico.
—No word yet about Mr. Cheney’s impending soul transplant.

Don’t Bogart Those Rights. The Reverend Pat Robertson, that ultra-conservative televangelist, former presidential hopeful, and general opponent of all things fun, recently lightened up on the topic of lighting up. “I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol,” Rev. Robertson told the New York Times in a March story. “If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it at home legally, then why do we say that the use of this other substance is somehow criminal?”

Yet, if one of those same people goes into a liquor store, meets a new friend of the same gender who shares his or her affection for 12-year-old scotch, falls in love and wants to get married, Robertson believes they’re destroying an institution and an entire culture. Who seems high now?

Fine Print. In his insistence that abortion is not a viable choice for a woman under any circumstance, including rape, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum stated that a child conceived in rape is “a gift from God.” Since raped women rarely save the receipt from this particular gift, returns must be redeemed for store credit.

Emission Standards.
If elected president, the Sanctified Santorum also says he would make pornography illegal. We’re assuming it would still be okay to read the Bible. But how about that crazy ho passage in Ezekiel?: “Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” (Ezekiel 23:19–20.) Lordy! Am I blushing?

Good for the Gander. As sagely promoted by Rick Santorum financier, bazillionaire Foster Friess, holding a Bayer aspirin between a woman’s knees is an effective and cost-efficient form of birth control. Shoving a Bayer aspirin into the head of a man’s penis should be just as effective and cost-efficient.

He Wouldn’t Hit You If He Didn’t Love You. Wisconsin State Representative Don Pridemore is branching out from his previous background in electrical engineering to couples counseling, Yahoo! News reports. Rep. Pridemore recently suggested that in cases of domestic abuse, the beaten spouse should simply rely upon his or her memories to recall a gentler, less volatile time in their relationship. “If they can re-find those reasons and get back to why they got married in the first place, it might help,” he told a local television news program. Rep. Pridemore offered no remedy for cases when the abuse is so severe it results in memory loss.

Give Me Samoa Those Tasty Lesbo Commie Cookies. Girl Scouts of America turned 100 years old this year, but Indiana state representative Bob Allen won’t be sticking a candle into a Thin Mint to celebrate. He told his Republican colleagues that the Gals in Green are a “radicalized organization” whose leadership consists primarily of “feminists, lesbians, and communists.” House Speaker Brian Bosma, who apparently is a Republican with a more evolved sweet tooth, responded by purchasing 278 of the devil’s delights. If Rep. Allen thinks the Girl Scouts’ cookies are evil, he should taste their Brownies.

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