Steven Hotze is Houston’s perennial anti-LGBTQ activist who thinks about gay sex more than most gay people do. These days, he is heading into court once again to attack the civil rights of gay people.
This time around, Hotze says that discriminatory laws against gay people are both constitutional and hunky-dory—just so long as those laws are “applied equally to both sexes.” The problem is, there are more than two genders and far, far more than two sexes. In Hotze’s world, the two sexes are the missionary position in the dark, and the far more kinky missionary position with the lights on.
This time, Hotze has applied his legal-eagle wizardry to include something new: he wants the court to allow an employer to discriminate against gay people if that employer holds “sincere and deeply held religious beliefs” that marriage must be restricted to a man and a woman, that sex must be reserved for marriage, and that men men and women must dress and behave in accordance with distinct, God-ordained, biological sexual identity.
Dress? Behave? Seriously?
Darlin’, when I heard about this, it pissed me off so badly that I could piss standing up for a whole week—which I think kinda speaks to the futility of Hotze’s plan.
Mr. Hotze can make me do a lot of things (vomit being one of them), but he cannot make me give up my fishing hat for a Minnie Mouse bow in my hair. Dammit, that’s where I draw the line.
So, I guess we already know which gender gets to fart.
And speaking of gaseous emissions fouling the air, Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz is still yakking. He re-tweeted a video that compared a Russian military ad (featuring muscle-bound men shooting rifles) and a U.S. Army ad (which features a female American soldier who was raised by two moms).
“Holy crap,” Cruz tweeted, “perhaps a woke, emasculated military is not the best idea.” Then the next day (after everybody had told him “Yes, Ted, that tweet does make your butt look bigger”) he wrote that the ad makes United States soldiers look like “pansies.”
Does this man own a mirror?
Look, I’m a nice person, so I’m not going to say that Ted Cruz looks like any kind of flower. But dirt, maybe? Yeah, I’ll go with “mud fence.”
By the way, hurricane season is upon us. And since all the right-wing preachers blame every hurricane on “the gays,” I think it’s only fair that a committee of drag queens should be in charge of the annual hurricane names list. My friend Windy Trix (who frequently reminds me that “if being gay was a choice, I’d choose to be gayer”) is hard at work on her 2021 list. So far, she’s come up with Anita Wash, Darcy Blows, Tidal Surge, Windsor Blowen, Kata Gory Five, Sheila Killya, and Rhoda Tuhell.
Watch for my friend Windy at political events—she has decided to run for the Texas Legislature on the platform that all iced-coffee drinks should be free during Pride month. She’s gonna win, y’all.
And how ’bout the Republicans’ latest fixation on “cancel culture,” which should earn them the 2021 Glass Houses Award for shameless hypocrisy. While screaming about liberals who “cancel” anyone who strays from the liberal party line, Republicans have:
• cancelled Liz Cheney,
• cancelled everyone trying to investigate the domestic terrorism of January 6,
• attempted to cancel the certified November 2020 election results in Arizona,
• cancelled a woman’s right to choose in several states,
• cancelled anyone who thinks people standing for hours in a voting line might need water,
• cancelled certain citizens’ right to vote by doing wholesale purges of local voter rolls,
• cancelled Republican moderate Mitt Romney,
• and cancelled Nikole Hannah Jones for The 1619 Project, which dares to examine the consequences of slavery 400 years after first ship full of African captives arrived on our shores.
In return, I would like to suggest that we cancel the Republicans’ annual Wear a Red Hat to the Capitol Day.
Until next month, call Governor Abbott and tell him that instead of spending our tax dollars to build our own wall at the Mexican border, we’d rather have reliable electricity.
This article appears in the July 2021 edition of OutSmart magazine.