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Our Little Secrets

Conspiracies, rumors, and other business as usual.

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I read last week that two-thirds of Americans think Donald Trump has increased racial tensions in this country.  But half of those two-thirds think it’s a good idea that Trump did it, and the other half are watching Tiger King and can’t be bothered. 

I am willing to give Trump credit where credit is due. In less than one term in office, he broke all of the Ten Commandments and the whole Bill of Rights, except maybe that one part about housing troops in your home. No, no, wait, I’m being handed a note. Yeah, I’m being told that he did that, too.

He tried to invoke the Third Amendment during the Washington demonstrations, assuming nobody knew what the Third Amendment says. But thankfully, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg is still alive and she knows things. All things.

Honey, the world has gone nuts and some days it feels like the nuts have a stronghold and a damn virus. I’m usually pretty good at understanding, and when I look at things I can semi-acknowledge what I am seeing. But for starters, Antifa stumps me. They tell me it means “anti-fascist.” I guess my dad was one, because he fought in World War II and I’m pretty damn sure that fascists were shooting at him.

Nobody can seem to explain to me what in the fool tarnation Antifa is, and why it does terrible things in secret. I don’t get that secret thing. How does that happen? There are supposedly thousands of Antifas all over the country who silently operate in complete unison. I know for a fact that’s not possible.

Take Thelma, for example. Thelma, who works at my beauty salon and is known as The Texas Chainsaw Manicurist, knows every damn secret in this town. And although she can keep a secret like it was her grandma’s heart, if you offered Thelma a fully equipped pink Winnebago with the Dolly Parton interior package, a date with any surviving member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and $10,000 cash money, she’d tell you everything she knows.

People can’t keep secrets. And if you don’t believe that, look at the Trump administration. Everybody he’s hired at the White House eventually rats him out.

As further proof, I offer this: there’s a suspicion in Texas that there’s no such thing as a live armadillo. Nobody has ever seen one—all you see are dead ones in the middle of the damn road. Somebody out in West Texas goes all over the state leaving dead armadillos in the road. It’s their job. They do it for the tourists. Little-known fact: armadillos are born dead in the middle of the road. It’s a big conspiracy, and I’m shocked that you haven’t heard about it.

Which brings us back to Antifa. Texans can keep secrets pretty well. Hell, we didn’t tell people from the Yankee states about the heat and humidity in Houston until they moved here and started spending their money. But I’m sure there’s Antifa in Texas, and somebody’s gonna tell.   

The other day I read about someone who said they are proudly Anti Anti-Fascist.  Gee, if only there was an easier way to say that. I think Attorney General Bob Barr is working on it by acting it out.

Which brings us to Attorney General Bill Barr, who took his ample heinie to a news show to speak in rambling lawyer jargon to deny that chemical irritants were used on peaceful protestors at the White House. It went like this:

Margaret Brennan: There were chemical irritants. The Park Police have said . . .

Bill Barr: No, there were not chemical irritants. Pepper spray is not a chemical irritant

I can see how he got confused. This was gluten-free, organic, natural, non-GMO, cage-free pepper spray. That ain’t no damn chemical.

Everything is a chemical, Darlin’, except ideas—like peace, love, empathy, and tolerance. Everything else is a chemical. In a restaurant (remember those?) some guy four tables over speaking very loudly is technically a chemical irritant.

Look, pepper spray ain’t Agent Orange, but it’s not Eau de Democracy either. If pepper spray is not a chemical irritant, maybe mustard gas is a condiment.

While Barr is the attorney general, pepper spray will be known as a spicy baptism.

And before I forget, Trump finally got his wall. It’s around the White House, which makes 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue the world’s largest and most expensive playpen. 

Mr. Biden, tear down that wall!

Everybody noticed when Senator Lindsey Graham made a complete flip-flop on his opinions about Donald Trump. Graham went from saying Trump was a “xenophobic religious bigot” to now calling him the best president ever. It is rumored that the overnight opinion change came because Trump threatened to pull Graham kicking and screaming out of the closet. Yeah, that would be awful. If a case still pending in the Supreme Court doesn’t get the right result, outing Graham would mean he’d lose his health insurance. 

Lindsey Graham’s spine is not worth the paper it’s printed on.

Until next month, wear a mask and save the grandparents.

This article appears in the July 2020 edition of OutSmart magazine.

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Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.

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