Trump, Boehner, and Other ‘Crimes Against Nature’

Irony runs amok as Republicans confront pot, same-sex marriage, and bestiality.

By Susan Bankston

I’m not sure how many problems I have (because I know that math is one of them), but I know damn well that irony is near the top of my list. Irony is all around me, growing wildly and unconstrained like crabgrass and Baptists.

Here, try this on: former House speaker John Boehner up and quit Congress for no apparent reason at all. Okay, so you know many reasons why a Republican would quit Congress right now, and all of them start with the word Trump.

Most retiring congressmen immediately go to work as lobbyists so they can get as rich as the dickens. However, at least in Boehner’s case, he won’t be rich enough to buy back his past. Boehner picked his lobbying job at a company that should cause severe eye-roll fatigue. He has gone to work for Acreage Holdings, a company that produces marijuana sold in states where it is legal. That’s right, weed—and lots of it.

Boehner, who was vehemently anti-pot during his tenure as speaker, says he has “evolved” on the issue. Yeah, wave a few hundred thousand dollars in his face, and he evolves into a greedy bastard with no core beliefs. (Okay, I will admit that’s not fair—he’s always been a greedy bastard with no core beliefs, but now it’s officially, scientifically diagnosed.)

While Boehner was in Congress, nearly 600,000 people a year were arrested for marijuana possession. That’s more than one marijuana arrest every minute. There were 19,000 people put in prison for possession. And the Republican speaker, third in line for the presidency, did not have one single problem with that.

I do not trust John Boehner even now that he’s all Woodstock with his weed, his late-night trips to Whataburger, and his mild paranoia. I know he’s got a corporate weed deal in the works that will make it seem like your current dealer is doing charity work.

Ironic Attack #2: the Religious Right is vehemently against same-sex marriage because they feel it threatens the institution of marriage. Those are the same people who voted for and still support Donald Trump, who is the institution of marriage’s Lex Luther.

Look, if you’re gay, I bet you’ve never hired hookers to pee on each other. (Okay, so maybe you did, but if you did it in the presidential suite of a Russian hotel while you were a presidential candidate, then we need to have a chat—honey, that would be a nopefish swimming in the choppy current of You Better Not Go There River, located in Screw-that-istan.)

And now Donald Trump Jr. is getting a divorce, as has become the custom where a famine of the brains is hereditary.

Irony #3: okay, if you ever drive through Louisiana, I need to let you know that you should not take any of your household pets with you.

The Louisiana State Legislature has reaffirmed part of an old law that makes sex with animals illegal. Their old “crimes against nature” law had banned “the unnatural carnal copulation by a human being with another of the same sex or opposite sex, or with an animal.” The new law, which passed 25 to 10, leaves out the “human beings with other human beings” part, but keeps the prohibition on animal sex.

That’s right—up until last month, Louisiana was known as the state where men are men and sheep are afraid.

So who are those 10 legislators who voted against banning sex with animals, you ask? Well aren’t you lucky, because nosing into stuff that is none of my damn business is what I do for a living. All 10 are Republicans, including the president of the Louisiana Senate.

By the way, reading that old law aloud passed for foreplay in most Louisiana Republican households.

So now, instead of saying “I don’t support sodomy,” the Democratic opponents of these 10 Republicans can point at them and announce, “My opponent supports sex with animals.” I’m heading over to Louisiana during the next campaign season just to watch.

Irony #4: Last month, Trump was giving an interview about his promised attack on Syria. He said (and I am quoting him exactly), “. . . it could be very soon, or not so soon at all.” It could also be mid-soon, soonish, soonly, semi-soon, Soon River, wider than a mile, half past soon, High Soon at the O.K. Corral . . .

One good thing about Trump: you’re not hearing so much about making English our official language anymore.

This article appears in the May 2018 edition of OutSmart magazine. 


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at
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