These explosive bombshells would rival the Nunes dud.
If you are politically aware these days, you sleep like a baby—you wake up every three hours and cry.
In Washington DeeCee, there’s more finger-pointing than a first-grade reading circle. Who paid off the hooker? Who lied about who paid off the hooker? Is the hooker lying? Who colluded with Russia?
Who lied about the guy who punched his first two wives? Who told Kellyanne Conway that she looks lovely? Who knows what Robert Mueller is doing—and can I help him?
And to really solve the problems we face in America, President Trump wants to hold a giant military parade—because France has one, and for some damn reason he wants to keep up with a country that hasn’t won a war since 1830, when France clearly did conquer the ever-living hell out of Algeria. (France has since given that country back, because it’s sweaty-hot in Algeria and their chocolate is so subpar.)
The American military estimates that Trump’s parade will cost between $10 million and $30 million, depending on how many tanks sink through Pennsylvania Avenue because it wasn’t built for tanks, and whether Trump wants to dress up in George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” flight suit and be the grand marshal.
But the haute couture artisan creepiness doesn’t stop with the White House.
Sean Hannity was outraged—outraged, I tell you—that he found what he believes is “secret sperm” on Barack Obama’s forehead in his official presidential portrait. I’m not lying. Look it up. Run a Google search on “Hannity and secret sperm.” No, no, wait—that’s not a good idea. First, no telling what you’d see, and second, what if the FBI confiscates your computer tomorrow and sees that search term? They’d think you have really bad taste in pornography, and you know for a fact that you have perfectly good taste in porn, cold-weather footwear, and assorted other things the FBI has no business knowing about.
And then there’s the congressional “memo” sent out by Republicans claiming that Donald Trump doesn’t even know a Russian and can’t spell collude, much less provide a timely
Honey, the Republican memo bombed so badly that Hawaii sent out an alert. The memo has so many holes that Donald Trump tried to play golf on it. It had so little proof that Steve Bannon wouldn’t even bother to drink it.
The Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Congressvarmint Devin Nunes (who is so dense that light bends around him), says he’s got memos on five other subjects.
Through the miracle of modern document-leaking technology, I have uncovered advance copies of those five Republican memos yet to come. So, suddenly a plot twist that was about as cheerful as a coroner’s inquest has become kinda fun.
Highlights from the Five New Republican Memos
1. Rumors that Betty Jean Frontage in the post office department used a stamp for a personal piece of mail and left only 40 cents in the stamp drawer. Stamps have not been 40 cents in a long time, Betty Jean. Fact: Betty Jean voted for Hillary. Thanks, Hillary, for sparking this national nightmare.
2. Vague references that Jimmy Don Farquart of Pasadena, Texas, knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows that guy’s second cousin who read on Facebook that the FBI’s “secret society” proves everything is a Masonic conspiracy designed to take over the country. Either that, or it was the Elks. He wasn’t sure.
3. A printed copy of that Facebook post appeared on your timeline, right before you hit “Unfriend” because the above-mentioned Jimmy Don Farquart made you so mad that you could jumpstart your car without cables.
4. Edwin Wilvin Elberger, who works in the agriculture department, ate an entire apple instead of taking the expected one bite while taste-testing an experimental new apple crop. This violates at least two customs. Elberger’s excuse that the apple was “really, really tasty” brings little comfort to the American people.
5. Benghazi! Because why the hell not?
It’s March. You know where to buy a kite, a bottle of wine, and a hunk of cheese. All is right with the world.
This article appears in the March 2018 edition of OutSmart Magazine.