By Susan Bankston
Iowa Republican State Senator Mark Chelgren got himself semi-famous by wanting to put caps on the number of Democrats that state universities can hire as professors.
Chelgren thinks we have way too many Democrats teaching our college students. You would suspect he knows from personal experience that there are too many Democrats teaching in universities, because he claims to have a business degree from the Forbco Management school.
But it ain’t that clear-cut. It never is with Republicans.
State Sen. Chelgren’s alleged alma mater is actually a company that operated a Sizzler steak house franchise in southern California, and he doesn’t have a “degree,” according to Ed Failor, a spokesman for the Iowa State Republicans.
“This was a management course he took when he worked for Sizzler, kind of like Hamburger University at McDonald’s,” Failor told NBC News. “He got a certificate.”
Well hell, I have a certificate from Miss Betty Lou’s College of Baton Twirling, but that don’t mean I can twirl a damn baton, much less comment on the state of the American university system. Truth be known, I spent the money my momma gave me for baton lessons on makeup and eye shadow over at the Woolworth’s. Then I bribed Miss Betty Lou (who was kinda a souse) with a six-pack of Pearl beer (the Official Beer of High School Parking Lot Make-out Sessions), and she gave me a certificate. Momma never knew, although she grew suspicious whenever I konked myself on the head trying to twirl that thing.
And, oh no, he didn’t stop there. He kept lying.
“I don’t know if they are still in business or not,” Chelgren said. “The school was created by Forbco Management, and I got a degree in hotel restaurant management.” Now, right here is a man who can talk water into a boil at 20 paces.
Even if he did in fact get a diploma from Sizzler U., it’s not like he went to an Ivy League restaurant college like the University of Outback Steakhouse or Appleby’s A&M.
When Chelgren did not respond to several requests for a copy of his diploma, or some other proof that he attended the Forbco Management school, NBC News reached out to the Iowa State Senate majority leader’s office. They had an answer:
Forget Forbco. Forget he ever said that. Forget that it ain’t even a college. The rascally devil now claims to have attended the University of California at Riverside for three years between 1992 and 1993. He says he majored in physics, which must be where he learned how to stuff three years into one—a scientific secret that we wish he’d share so we could apply it to the Trump administration.
He might be right. There might be too many Democrats teaching in our colleges. But lying about your education is not gonna make you smarter, any more than grabbing women by the pussy is gonna get you elected president.
Wait. No. I didn’t say that right.
And speaking of the Trump administration, Donald Trump is so hardheaded that he can pound nails without a hammer.
Apparently he had a bad dream and woke up believing it. He promptly tweeted that President Obama “tapped his wires” during the election. Since it was in quotation marks, I thought he was using a euphemism for something sexy and naughty. Imagine my disappointment when I realized he meant it literally.
Trump claims to have absolute proof of Obama’s wiretaps, but he can’t show us because it’s being audited.
So now we need to figure out when President Trump’s tweets are actually just euphemisms for “I need to see a doctor or something.”
A Dozen Lesser-known Claims that Donald Trump Made on Twitter:
12. Claims that he did not have sex with that woman. No, not her, that one. No, the other one. No! Can’t you see where I’m pointing?!
11. Announces a budget increase to chlorinate the press pool.
10. Brags about freeing the slaves, but you’re pretty sure he isn’t old enough.
9. Announces that Angela Merkel got the German chancellor job despite not doing very well in the swimsuit competition.
8. Claims to have more experience in foreign affairs than in extra-martial affairs.
7. You’re almost certain that no one named Vladimir signed the Declaration of Independence.
6. Now trying to prove Abraham Lincoln was born in Kenya.
5. Claims that thick smog is actually an important drinkable source of vitamins and minerals.
4. Believes Paul Ryan was saved by Tom Hanks in an old movie.
3. Claims he can see Russia from Mar-a-Lago, and hear it from anywhere.
2. Starting to add syllables to words to make his accomplishments seem more impressimilatude.
1. Announces that he’s removed all the gold, glass, and marble in his Trump Tower apartment and replaced it with the best faux-wood contact paper. Beautiful.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.