By Susan Bankston
Oh y’all, this presidential election is going to be a damn goat rodeo. You’ve got Donald Trump running on the same ticket as Indiana governor Mike Pence. If you think about it, that combination fits with Republican dogma quite well: Pence hates the gays and the women, and Trump hates everybody else.
Their first campaign logo was amazing—and by amazing I mean vaguely pornographic. Go take a look at their actual logo that was retired after 24 hours of hilarious mockery. It’s pretty clear who’s the pitcher and who’s the catcher.
Last year, while governor of Indiana, Pence wanted to make it legal to discriminate against gays. In fact, best I could tell, he wanted to make it mandatory. He signed the “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” into law. That law makes it your Christian duty to be as unpleasant as possible to as many gay folks as possible. As a result, an Indiana pizza joint announced they would not cater gay weddings. (That was a stunning loss to . . . well, certainly nobody gay.)
Pence is also not a fan of Planned Parenthood. He wanted to force women who have had an abortion to pay for a funeral for the fetus. By the way, Pence also claimed that smoking wouldn’t kill you, so his sashay into medical matters has it floored in neutral, Honey. In other medical news, Pence believes that we should end Medicare. So nobody is coming for your guns, but they are coming for your Medicare—in which case I’ll need a damn gun.
Every time I hear Mike Pence speak, I wonder, “What kind of cheese goes on that cracker?”
Trump didn’t stop his bad-decisions rampage after choosing Pence. Speaking to House Republicans, Trump assured them that he would strongly support Article 12 of the Constitution. Yeah, there is no Article 12. There are only seven articles in the Constitution, so we’re kinda scared about what he thinks Article 12 is. Maybe something about all white males being entitled to a fresh young Slovak supermodel every 10 years?
There’s a downside to having Hillary as the next president, though. Last month, the Republicans in Congress questioned Attorney General Loretta Lynch, and it quickly became an investigation into the investigation of Hillary’s emails. No, I am not kidding. They are going to spend millions of taxpayers’ perfectly good cash American money to investigate the investigation of the investigation. On National Investigation Day, you can proudly fly the investigation flag and set all fireworks to investigation mode while you carry around a Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass.
Republicans are warning that there will be endless investigations of Hillary when she’s president. To save them some time and effort, and as a friendly free public service, here is my Top 10 List of Subjects for Hillary Rodham Clinton Investigations.
10. As a white female Muslim, why doesn’t she wear a hijab? Was she always a woman? More than a woman? Always a woman to me?
9. In third grade, did she negligently step on a crack, or did she do it willfully to break her mother’s back?
8. When the Clintons first came into national prominence, I was younger, thinner, and still had most of my mind. Coincidence?
7. At least three TV evangelists have biblical proof that Hillary got the snake to take the fall for that Garden of Eden incident.
6. And what about them pant suits? Is she some kinda trans-whatcha-ma-sex-y’all?
5. Did she permanently change the sign on the Oval Office restroom to say Ladies when we all know the next president is gonna be an old white guy who can’t walk very far and needs to pee 12 times a day?
4. How did Hillary survive those Salem Witch Trials?
3. Why—why—won’t she tell us who put the bomp in the bomp de bomp de bomp???
2. Does she now, or has she ever, talked above a whisper in the library? And where is that missing Yale Library law book she checked out in 1973?
1. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if the Clintons hadn’t murdered Vince Foster?
I hope your August is wonderful—and here’s an idea for a new bumper sticker: L.G.B.T. = Let’s Go Beat Trump!
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.