Tea Party Paranoia

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In case you haven’t heard, Texas is being taken over by President Obama and the federal government.
by Susan Bankston

In case you haven’t heard (and I am not making this up), some Tea Party folks here in Texas fervently believe that President Obama and the federal government want to take over the Lone Star State.

Up until this announcement, I had been squandering my life under the embarrassingly mistaken belief that the United States took over Texas in 1845 and then again in 1870, and then pretty much got out of the fighting-Texas business.

This time around, the federal government’s ceaseless quest to conquer Texas (and claim it in the name of a Kenyan socialist Muslim gun-hating Chicago Cubs fan) involves planning bogus military exercises in the sleepy little town of Bastrop, Texas (population 6,000). The takeover will be accomplished with 60 troops, two Humvees, and a helicopter. These federal troops will herd all the gun-loving white heterosexual Texans into abandoned Walmarts that are connected by secret tunnels across America, where God only knows what manner of dreadfulness awaits them. (I’m guessing sleep-deprivation torture involving Broadway show tunes and chick-flick retrospectives.)

If you’ve been watching the news, you know I’m not making this up. It’s called Jade Helm 15, and it’s dead-solid-guaranteed mortifyingly true.

These Tea Partiers came to a city-council meeting in Bastrop and expressed their outrage to an Army colonel who kept trying to convince them that if the military was going to take over Texas, they might need more than 60 troops. Unless, of course, it’s deer season or during a Dallas Cowboys football game—then they’d know where to find everybody, and most likely they would be so drunk that they would have to hold on to the grass to lean against the ground.

The Tea Party people made it real clear that they would not, by-gawd, give up their rights, their guns, their beer, their pickup trucks, or their air-conditioning. That’s where they drew the line on Obama taking over Texas.

Why Texas, you ask? Well, consider the facts: rodeo ends with an O and Obama starts with an O. Coincidence? Obviously not.

I used to believe that Nutty was its own political constituency, but I have changed my mind after seeing a poll by the respected Public Policy Polling group. A new survey from the group finds that one-third of Republicans believe the Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory that “the government is trying to take over Texas,” and another 28 percent of GOP voters haven’t yet made up their minds about the matter.

If my math is correct (and occasionally it is), this means 61 percent of Republicans believe that it is or could be true that there are large underground tunnels connecting Walmarts all across the country, put there by the United States military and ready to be used by President Barack Obama to capture and detain gun-loving Texans.

So, if you’re having a family reunion and 10 of your Republican relatives show up, six of them should not be given knives or matches. And you shouldn’t let them wander off on their own. Seriously, they could hurt themselves (or, more importantly, me).

One of these Republicans got on teevee and said that Obama was going to capture them and then brainwash them. Now there’s some caca del toro. This person doesn’t need brainwashing—just a light dusting would do (face it, there’s not that much to work with).

None of these guys can tell us what Obama plans to do with them once he captures them. So I started thinking—just what would a liberal Democratic president like to do with a bunch of damn gun-loving white heterosexual Republican Texans?…

Top Ten Things President Obama Plans to Do with the Texans He’s Secretly Captured

10. Barbeque Wyoming.
9. Announce a Monster Truck Pull, except replace the trucks with people named Bubba.
8. Start an Uber franchise with a fresh concept: drivers greet passengers by saying, “Here, hold my beer and watch this!”
7. Have an American poet-laureate contest—finally without Ted Nugent as the top contender.
6. Quarantine everyone until the CDC finds out for sure if “dangerously stoopid” is contagious.
5. After rounding up every bubba, Obama sells Texas back to Mexico for $1.98, a Major League first-round draft pick, and a player to be named later.
4. After selling Texas to Mexico, Obama releases his captured Texans in Georgia—letting them enjoy their new status as illegal aliens.
3. Hey, we’ll be getting rid of Greg Abbott, Rick Perry, Ted Cruz, and the entire Dallas Cowboys football team. Maybe we shouldn’t ask too many questions.
2. Next hot IPO investment tip: America’s only protest-sign factory that sells amusing misspelled signs!
1. Eliminate national debt with revenue from new Pay-Per-View concept: after stuffing all the Tea Party Texans in dimly lit abandoned Walmarts, announce, “You know that Rapture thing you’ve all been waiting for? Well, this is it—enjoy!”

Happy Pride, y’all.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at
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