The Republicans in the Texas Legislature are rudely obsessed with hoochie-koochie. I know you’re anxious for me to prove that statement. Here ya go…
Taking the Hoo out of Hoochie
You people need to quit having sex. It’s making Stuart Spitzer crazy.
Even though Texas gets more federal money for abstinence-only sex education than any other state, we have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation, and the third-highest rate of HIV infections.
Oblivious to these statistics, Texas Republican State Representative Stuart Spitzer has introduced a bill that will divert $3 million from HIV/STD prevention programs and use that money for more absence-only sex education. Every. Single. Penny.
A Democrat on the House floor asked Stuart, “Look, we’re already number one in spending for abstinence-only sex education—how much money will be enough money?”
Bless his heart, Stuart pulled himself up straight and tall and unflinchingly replied that additional funds will be needed “as long as people are still having sex before marriage.”
Holy backseat of an ’84 Chevy. He’s gonna spend all the money in Texas to hire people to stand beside you all day saying, “Don’t do that. I mean it. Quit it, dammit.” I already have one of those people. I call her “My Mother.” But I don’t listen to her, either.
Spitzer then shared the precious information that he was a virgin when he got married at age 29. If you saw a picture of him, you would understand why. I am plenty damn certain that his virginity wasn’t due to lack of trying. But oh boy, I bet his wrist is sore.
Abstinence-only sex education is like raising your kids on a houseboat and forbidding them to learn how to swim. That way, they will never drown.
Now here’s the dilemma: Texas does not allow gay marriage, so gay folks have no choice but to ruin Stuart’s life by doing the wild thing out of wedlock. I know you feel real bad about that because you want to be a single virgin just like Stuart was—even though being so narrow-minded that you can see through a keyhole with both eyes is gonna require some sort of vice-like thingy. Whoa, kinky!
Then we have the bathroom bill.
State Representative Debbie Riddle (a Republican hailing from Crap, Texas, which is a much bigger town than you’d suspect) has introduced a bill in the Texas House that would make it a Class A misdemeanor for anyone over the age of 13 to enter a restroom “that is designated for use by persons of a gender that is not the same gender as the individual’s gender.” The punishment would be up to one year in jail and a fine of up to $4,000.
Reread that phrase—“a gender that is not the same gender as the individual’s gender.” There are three genders in that wildly Republican sentence. I’m just saying.
Debbie wants to keep transgender people out of the bathroom.
Get out of my way, woman, I do not care who is in the bathroom, dammit, I need to pee.
I’m fixin’ to tell you a true story: Glen Maxey, the first openly gay person elected to the state legislature, told me that he was pondering on testifying against this bathroom bill. His plan is to stand before a committee of the current legislature and say, “Y’all have known me for 20 years. Yet, not a single one of you knows whether or not I have a vagina. I am going to go walk into the women’s restroom, and there’s not a one of you who knows if I do have a vagina, so unless you’re willing to check, this bill is hogwash.”
Semi-tragically, we had to go to press before the bill came up for a hearing, so if you hear a news story about the delicate female Republican representatives in Austin running from the capitol swooning and clutching their pearls, you’ll know that Glen Maxey did indeed call for a vagina check.
Glen has promised to end his testimony before the committee by belting out Billie Holiday’s classic, “T’aint Nobody’s Business If I Do.”
I want you to know that if you ever get arrested for using a bathroom based on whether you have a winkie or a dinkie, you definitely want me on your jury. Write that down somewhere. You never know when you might need it.
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.