Royal Homophobe Patrick Johnston


Is Patrick Johnston the president of The Royal Homophobes for No Damn Fun?
by Susan Bankston

I suspect it’s pretty boring in Ohio. I say that because it appears that they’ve had to resort to making their own fun.

In Ohio, Patrick Johnston is an anti-choice leader. I suspect he’s also been elected president of The Royal Order of Homophobes for No Damn Fun in Ohio. He is so narrow-minded that his ears rub together.

Johnston’s church has been protesting at a local topless bar for years, so of course he’s just all atither about boobs, ta-tas, and hooters. (Personally, I think they are just trying to get a free peek.)

One Sunday last month, just for the helluvit, the topless dancers returned the favor and protested at his church—topless.

Was he outraged? Is a frog waterproof?

I have a theory that outrage is a substitute for foreplay among right-wing folks. No, seriously—think about it. They quiver when they’re trying to stop all the rest of us from doing what normal people do to quiver.

Anyway, Johnston wants to stop all this public nudity in Ohio. To me—and I only speak for myself here and not the entire staff of The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., because some of them disagree with me—the problem with Ohio is that there is not nearly enough public nudity.

Verdelia disagrees. “It would take more than a few nekkid folks to get me to vacation in Ohio,” she says. “Maybe nekkid people giving away 50-dollar bills,” she ponders out loud. “Nope,” she decides, “not good enough.”

But Patrick Johnston wants to outlaw nakedness in Ohio, because decent citizens have no idea the problems that naked is causing in that state. And do you know who is causing this naked invasion?

The gays. They’re causing all of this toplessness.

Patrick explains: “The gay pride parade in Columbus is 500,000 strong. Why? Because the women go topless,” he insisted on Facebook. “This is the only [parade] where I’ve seen this level of nudity. San Francisco, Chicago, Washington DC—I have never seen the kind of public lewdness I have seen in Columbus, Ohio.”

Okay, just a thought here. He does understand, doesn’t he, what gay means, right? I mean, the only thing my gay friends say about boobs is, “Get those things outta the way, so I can see the guy in the Speedo behind you.”

Just a second thought here. How many Pride parades did Johnston have to attend to come up with this scientific measurement of cross-country lewdness? Is it an official position, you know, like National Pride Parade Attender? Buck Pochek, the head honcho over at The Good Folks at Buck Pochek’s Rural Entertainment Promoters and General Purpose Feed Store, says he’d like to apply for that job when nekkid season opens again. He wants to publish Naked: The Coloring Book. There’s a bestseller, for sure.

Johnston goes on. “I am sick that women can legally bare their breasts to children and to married men against their will in Ohio,” he says.

Honey, when boobs are outlawed, only outlaws will have boobs.

Boobs don’t flash people. People flash people.

Hell, in Texas we let our boobs live in the governor’s mansion.

And speaking of the Texas governor’s mansion, this is the last time we’ll get to chat before early voting starts on Monday, October 20. I want you to start thinking of voting as a way to thumb your nose at the sumbitches.

I know you’re going to vote for Wendy Davis, Leticia Van De Putte, and all the statewide Democrats, but for the love of all that is semi-sacred, do not forget those other candidates further down the ballot. They are your local candidates, and they can make your life miserable or better.

In Harris County, don’t forget to vote for Steven Kirkland as judge for the 113th District Court, Kim Ogg for District Attorney, and my friend Melissa Noriega for the Harris County Department of Education Trustee, Position 7.

Also, please take the time to find Kyle Carter on your ballot. He’s running for the 14th Court of Appeals. Vote for him. It’s important.

In Fort Bend County, vote for Wilvin Carter for District Attorney. Oh please, gimme a break—the guy he’s running against had his pilot light go out and has been just a source of escaping gas for years.

This election, truth be told, you cannot make a mistake if you vote a straight Democratic ticket.

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at


Susan Bankston

Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at

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