by Susan Bankston
You’ve probably heard that the Republican Party passed over finalist Dallas, Texas, for their 2016 national convention, deciding instead to hold it in beautiful downtown Cleveland, Ohio. Yeah, Cleveland—The Mistake on the Lake.
They couldn’t handle Texcellence! There’s a good reason for that: Texas Republicans.
Seriously, think about it. Texas Republicans are so flat-ass crazy that other Republicans don’t want to be seen around them. Texas Republicans are the embarrassing uncle you lock in the attic. Texas Republicans are crazy as a soup sandwich, and the Republicans from foreign states know that. You know how when you’re dead, you don’t know it, but you make it miserable for everyone around you? Same deal with stupid.
What do a Texas Republican and a beer bottle have in common? Both are empty from the neck up.
So, we started investigating—what reasons did the national Republican Party give Texas Republicans for not coming to Texas?
Top 20 Reasons the Republican Party Didn’t Want to Come to Texas
20. They heard that we once barbequed a Prius just for the hell of it.
19. Successful gay mayor in Houston: totally a Democrat. Successful Hispanic mayor in San Antonio: totally a Democrat. Unsuccessful dopey governor in Austin: Republican.
18. Texas delegates need to travel to a convention out of state so that when they get arrested in a bawdy-house, it won’t make the front page of their local newspaper.
17. Secede?! Hey, we was just kiddin’ ’bout that!
16. If friendship means shooting your friend in the face with a bird-hunting shotgun, then yes, we’re plenty damn friendly.
15. It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.
14. Texas Senator Ted Cruz wants to declare war on Mexico, and just to be safe, also on New Mexico.
13. Too many national delegates have nut allergies—therefore unsafe to have a convention hosted by Louie Gohmert, Steve Stockman, Tom Delay, Dan Patrick…
12. Texas Republicans demanded that from now on, humidity in Texas will be described as “involuntary baptism.”
11. Afraid the entire Austin delegation will go “gay cowboy” on them.
10. Texas Republicans still considering making gay reparative therapy an Olympic full-body contact sport.
9. Texas President Rick Perry reminded them that Republican Party rules dictate the convention must be held within the United States.
8. In Texas, Hobby Lobby mangers would search all delegate purses for birth control. If found, all birth control would be replaced with something less dangerous, like guns.
7. Texas Republicans wanted a skeet-shooting contest and monster truck competition at the convention, to replace boring roll-call votes.
6. Three words: Rick. Perry. Oops!
5. Safe sex in Texas? Putting warning signs on animals that kick.
4. They figure most Texas delegates will get confused, book hotel rooms in Cleveland, Texas, then wonder where everyone is.
3. Because Cleveland, Ohio, is the closest Ted Nugent will ever come to being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
2. Actually, the Republican National Committee awarded the convention to Dallas, which promptly traded it to Cleveland. In return, Dallas will receive a first-round presidential draft pick and two politicians, to be named later.
1. And what’s the number one reason Texas isn’t getting the national Republican convention? Here we go. 3, 2, 1…It’s Obama’s fault!
Susan Bankston lives in Richmond, Texas, where she writes about her hairdresser at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., at juanitajean.com.