What A World: Table Talk
Ready-made answers for those ‘gay’ questions.
By Nancy Ford
If you have the good fortune of not being the only gay person in your family, congratulations! Gaiety loves company!
If you are, however, the only gay person in your family (or, more likely, the only gay person in your family that your family knows about), you are perhaps tasked at the annual Thanksgiving table with the responsibility of explaining the subtext of the GLBT-themed news stories of the preceding year.
Below are a few suggestions to help you finesse your way through these conversations, providing factual and, hopefully, entertaining information to all those who query, dearie.
Why is Ellen so upset over that little dog, Iggie?
Is there anyone alive who hasn’t yet seen footage of our Lesbian-in-Chief’s legendary meltdown as she begs for forgiveness for her role in the re-gifted dog-adoption gone bad?
True, we gay folk love our pets with a parental commitment that Britney Spears could learn from (see “Animal Attraction” if you doubt that). And, like any good parent, sometimes that commitment drives us to extremes, even to the point that it interferes with our work. So when work includes coming into the living rooms of millions of people each day via television, naturally, millions of people will talk.
IggieGate has made me realize that, despite her professional success and current loving relationship with Portia di Rossi, Ellen carries baggage just like the rest of us mere mortals. Maybe she still has some of Anne Heche’s crazy on her. As will attest anyone who’s been in more than one “forever” relationship, it takes years and years (and years) for that level of crazy to wash off.
Another explanation for Ellen’s extreme reaction? Perhaps our über-emotional, 49-year-old friend is heading into menopause. Welcome, Ellen! May your forthcoming extreme mood swings, hysterical crying jags, unpredictable hot flashes, and general dykely dysphoria continue to provide high-quality entertainment in the coming cycle and beyond.
After all, isn’t that what we pay her for?
Why would anyone—gay or straight—think sex in a public restroom is a good idea?
Thanks to the distinguished gentleman from Idaho’s much-ballyhooed side step into a Minneapolis airport men’s room last June (yes, during Pride Month), Tommy Tune is no longer the first person that comes to mind when we think of a gay toe-tapper.
As a lesbian whose bathroom exploits are pretty much limited to, well, going to the bathroom, I am not adequately equipped to explain hot stall-on-stall action to my own family, let alone, to yours. However, I’m told there is a series of videos that illustrates the phenomenon better than mere words ever could.
But the best idea might be to remind your family what a wonderful world it would be if closeted gay people, especially closeted gay elected officials like Sen. Larry Craig, weren’t forced to sublimate their true nature’s call by promoting anti-gay legislation like the Federal Marriage Amendment while simultaneously re-enacting scenes from Tijuana Toilet Tramps, Volumes 1-3 .
Now what’s this we hear about a dead gay SCUBA diver?
Also this past June, Gary Aldridge of Montgomery, Alabama, was found dead, hogtied, while wearing rubber underpants and not one but two SCUBA suits, with a dildo lodged in his bum.
Of particular interest is the fact that for his final 15 years, Aldridge, a disciple of the late Rev. Jerry Falwell, made his living as a senior pastor at Thorington Road Baptist Church. Praise the Lord and pass the silicone spray!
Remind your family that just because Rev. Aldridge was found wrapped up as air-tight as an overnight delivery of Omaha Steaks, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he was gay. It does mean, however, that he was into fetish play. Lots of hetero people are fond of bondage, rubber fetishism, and hiding things.
This unfortunate yet thought-provoking incident is also a good reminder to those of us looking ahead to our own eventual demises to be sure to have an up-to-date will. If necessary, also be sure to have a trusted friend who promises to untie, unwrap, and unplug you before the authorities—and bloggers—arrive.
What’s the big deal with ENDA? ENDA what?
If your family is politically informed enough to know that a huge controversy over the passage of the Employment Non-Discrimination Act has emerged in recent weeks, a tip of my Pilgrim hat to you and yours. Unfortunately, most of the folks sitting around the turkey table this month probably aren’t aware that, despite the diversity displayed via myriad gay-positive TV programs like Brothers & Sisters, Ugly Betty, Boston Legal, and others, it’s still perfectly legal in most states for an employer to fire people based on the fact that they are GLBT. Especially T.
But back to ENDA.
In a nutshell, some politicos (openly gay Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank, in particular) insist that the only way Congress will pass legislation protecting queers in the workplace is to define queer as being gay and lesbian, and then work on protection for the rest of humanity, incrementally.
Our tranny friends don’t care much for this, as you can imagine.
What’s the big deal, indeed? What’s right for the gay and lesbian geese is surely also right for the transgender gander, right?
After all, in God’s eyes, we’re all pre-op.