Homo for the Holidays
by Sally Sheklow

"I’m staying home this year with my lover."

"My God, Sara, must you use such obscene language? Your father’s on the extension for chrissake!"

"I’m just saying that Angie and I want to be together this year."

"You’re always together. Would it kill you to pry yourself away from your friend long enough to let your poor mother have a look at you?"

"She’s more than a friend, Mom, you know that. We’re life partners. When we finish school we’re going to start a family of our own."

"Your father and I worked hard all our lives so you could have an education at that fancy schmancy college. You can’t do this one little thing for us?"

"I appreciate all you’ve done, Mom. But Angie and I have our own home now. I want to stay here with the woman I love."

"Oy, Morris, did you hear? Again with the language. She’s trying to kill me. Listen, Sara-leh, everyone’s expecting you. Grandma Ida’s coming in all the way from Miami. I put fresh linens on your day bed. I even took Martina to the groomer’s for you."

"Aw, thanks. How’s my old girl doing?"

"Don’t ask! With that walker, who thought she’d ever meet anyone? But, there’s a nice man in the condo next door. Single. A widower 10 years already. A big shot from the appliance business. He brought over fresh-baked bran muffins. Is that a sign or is that a sign?"

"No, Mommie, I meant Martina. Have you been taking her to the park? The vet said she needs a walk every day."

"That nice young man down the street takes her. He already has two poodles of his own, so one more is no problem, he says. Why such a handsome boy would still be a bachelor I’ll never know. Both of them, so good looking. It’s a shame. But what is it my business if they want to dig in the dirt like beggars, planting flowers when they could be out meeting nice girls? Go figure."

"Mother, get a clue. Steve and Adam have been together 15 years. They’ re lovers."

"Oy, Morris, again with the language. What did we do to deserve this? Are we such terrible parents? Where did we go wrong?"

"What do you mean? I turned out fine. Angie and I love each other and we’re happy together. Can’t you be happy for me? Besides, I don’t feel safe flying this year."

"Safe? A coward suddenly she wants to be? Riding that crazy motorcycle, this doesn’t scare you? What are you so afraid all of a sudden, Miss Don’t-worry-about-me-camping-in-the-wilderness? You’re lucky you didn’t get eaten by a bear! Millions of people are flying home for the holidays, no problem."

"You didn’t ask David to leave his wife at home."

"Davey’s a different story. Your brother is married and she’s pregnant. A normal family. They’ll visit her parents this year, next year they’ll bring the baby here. It’s no comparison."

"Mother, Angie and I are not married because it’s illegal for us to get married."

"Already with the political statements. If I want a lecture I’ll turn on Fox. From my daughter I want only she should visit once in a while."

"Oh, Mama. I’ll see you this summer when Angie and I come through on our way to the Music Festival. School will be out and we’ll all be more relaxed. It will be fun."

"You’ll have maybe room in your knapsack to bring a dress? And a bra?"

"Very funny. Anyway, Angie is making a turkey this year with your recipe."

"Make sure she puts plenty of olive oil and garlic, the way you like. And tell her to save a drumstick for you. That’s your favorite."

"Yes, Mom, I will. Thanks. Talk to you soon. Love you both. Bye."

"We love you, too, sweetheart. Bye-bye. Morris? Are you still on? Did you hear? She’s not coming. Oy, such a relief."

Sally Sheklow lives and writes in the Pacific Northwest. She is one of the four funny lesbians who founded and perform in WYMPROV!, Oregon's award-winning improv troupe. Contact her at sally@wymprov.com.